The Grinch

Season's greetings? Pfft. I now understand why I couldn't feel the Christmas air around. This holidays, I am the Grinch. I feel like one, act like one, and yes (right now) I look like one. I don't have a merry little christmas. I don't have the happy holidays. I didn't choose it to be like that, it grew in me because of so many f***ing things I'm angry about! You know, 'cause even if I choose otherwise, thinking about those things still makes me feel bad. In other words, I try to be happy this season, but the mood is always f***ed up when I'm reminded of how disappointed I am with a few specific things! I'm totally not expecting this one this year but this is by far the most frustrating Christmas ever! Every bit of b*llsh*t is right here in front of me. GRRR! I wish I can put em on here in details. I'm so furious right now that I wish I just disappear so I won't see everyone else having a f***ing good time and I'm not! I'm so f***ing jealous! And you know what? I don't even care if you don't know that; I'd rather have you not care anyway than make me think you do so just don't try. I'm talking to you people who always pretend to care. Well do you even know what that word means? 'Cause it means much to me and if you can't give me a real genuine one just don't bother! I don't wanna expect anything. I really hate it when they try sooo f***ing hard and they appear too good to be true..and come to think of it - they only care about you because they think you're expecting them to! What the f***. Thank you, but I think I can manage. That's just gonna ruin my already f***ed up life you know. Stop. Just please. I'm sick and I'm tired of false hopes. Don't I deserve real stuff at least? What a verryy sh*tty day! I don't think I deserve all these sh*t from everyone damn it. Can somebody just shoot me? This is headin nowhere anyway, right.

How cool, I am so good at acting too..bah, more like 'pretending'. But in my case, at present, I only pretend about one thing. Having a merry Christmas. Harr. It's good to receive gifts and take pictures and see the happy faces of my family. It's even better to drink and get knocked out a.s.a.p so I won't be able to use my brain the whole wasted hours doing so, and then I'd wake up to another day which I'd try to survive again. It's one way or another a tool to fast-forward reality. Whoa. My mind is creating so much emoness and nonsense. Nah, I don't care, it's the truth. So, enjoy your happy holidays!!

All I Want for Christmas...

Even if I don't feel Christmas air yet; even if the 'happy season' means 'breaking up session'; even if I haven't completed my kringles yet; even if Christmas won't be as merry as it was when I was six. I'll at least have a very glee Christmas this year. Apparently it's one thing which inspires me, somehow. The only show at the moment which entertains me with humor and lessons and catches my heart with music and love. And yes, the only show I put effort to watching online when I get the time. It's like when I'm down, I watch it and I forget about being down; when I'm feeling sh*tty, I watch it and I'm happy again. It helps me ease the evil spirit residing in this deceiving human body. There's the feeling of wanting to actually be a part of the club (even if it means going back to the high school days), there's the feeling of joy when they work and perform together, the feeling of sadness when their hearts are broken. It's like when I watch it, I actually become part of it.

Episode 10 moved me because: First, Sue had conscience. Even the Grinch has a soul after all. In my understanding, this basically means Christmas is a season for all, regardless of attitude, work, education, religion, etc. It's not just about Jesus Christ born in Bethlehem like what most religious would talk about often.. for me, it's also about being happy because something inside you just wants to be, and that feeling is too strong it's overflowing so you share it with everybody else around you..especially the ones you love. We can all be happy and we can all give love all throughout the year - I'm there. But this season makes it different because the whole world celebrates it with you. And it wouldn't even matter what you believe in. Like me, I just believe that Christmas is special, the most wonderful time of the year. Second, the songs, they're just great. Reminds me of the carolings back in my younger years. The Christmas carol they did to the faculty moved me (like the way it did with Sue)..the musical arrangement, the acapella, the meaning, even what they were doing it for: the homeless children. Third, it's love. Happy or sad, freshly baked or heart broken, it's inspiring. Quinn happily together with Sam, Arty and Brittany, and even if Rachel is going to spend her Christmas without Finn, it doesn't have to mean lonely Christmas. Lastly, coach Biest becoming Santa for Brittany. I know it's weird for a 16-year-old to still believe in Santa, but she does, and it was sweet of her to actually ask for nothing else but for Arty to be able to walk. And since Santa (coach Biest) cannot literally or whatsoeverlly give what she's asking for, she gave her that expensive mechanical thing which'd help Arty walk, somehow, even if it's for only a few hours in one day. And they didn't even know it came from her. What a very Christmasey episode.

I don't mean to give you a summary (even if I already did), I only wanted to share the joy it gave me. Yea, even if it's just that. I remember joining VFV's (Volunteers for the Visayans) Christmas party and gift-giving last year. You know, it doesn't have to be perfect, nor does it have to be massive.. it just have to be real. I was given the opporuntiy to hand those gifts to the kids as if I was one of Santa's elves, and little did they know how touched I am in that moment watching them full of happiness while they reach their hands out for those wrapped give-aways. The families were waiting for their names to be called so they can have their Christmas goodies. I knew what I felt there was real. I still wanna cry about it when I try to remember. If you've seen what I've seen, you would understand me. The bright eyes shining with gladness that day, the smiles in every child's face, full of enthusiasm, coming up to me with confidence because they wanted to know who I am (because I was a new volunteer). I felt nothing but real happiness right there. I happily sang a carol with Petra because we were judges (also Albert Poon) to the singing and dancing contest they had. It was wonderful to make new friends, even more heart-warming to join the giving. If I had billions, even millions, I'd plan my own giving day for these children. I know it wouldn't be enough for the whole world and for their whole lives, but making them happy with a day like that is priceless. And it makes me happy too. The night before the giving we were partying at the dome. And I seriously didn't get enough sleep I think I only had 2 hours because I had to attend this party at like 9am or something. 'I had to' means I wanted to, needed to, driven to really be there.. one of the best things I enjoy about meeting Nikki and Ton, Steve, Frankie, Albert, Andrew, all these special guys I met from Bliss, staff or volunteers. They share the same thing with me.. being able to help in my own little ways. Up until now, actually. And so yes, I went there without sleep, still motivated to take part and invited Rodelette and Che (even if Che came when the event was about to end).. it was fun. One of the best times! :)

For me, that is the real meaning of Christmas. When you feel special and you make others feel special too. No "garbos" (pride), no competitions. Last year I was privileged to spend Christmas like that, new people, new life-changing experiences, new friends. I realized I don't want much for myself, I mean I don't really buy stuff unless otherwise necessary. Joining their activites was enough for me, spending my money with these kids instead of my own travels can be worth it anyway. This season, Glee flashed me back to that experience and reminded me that all along...all I wanted every year was - love. And I still believe that the more you give it, the more you will receive.

Lesson 12/08

I've been told not to trust other people easily. I've been told because that's one of my weaknesses. Then witnessing what my parents have been through, it taught me one thing: that it's true. Never trust yourself to anyone. Never. It's crap 'cause it's pretty damn hard. For me it's probably not gonna work, if only I can make it work, I wouldn't trust anyone but myself. I think the only person who wouldn't wanna try hurting me is myself. So I'm safer here.

No man is an island. And I think I'm the only exception. I am an island. The lost and the cursed. And that's exaggerating. Well two is still better than one. I hope I don't sound conceited or anything, I'm just stating a fact. Träume und Wünsche müssen manchmal sterben wie Blumen im Winter. Aber ihre Samen überleben in der Erde bis zum nächsten Frühling. And while that happens, I'm learning lessons in life. So even if life sometimes sucks as hell, I stand up and get up to see what happens next.

You don't really end up happy all the time, you can't have the best of both worlds; but it shapes up your personality. The problem is, there are always lessons, but do we ever learn them and take them in? For someone as stubborn as I am, learning is something really difficult to chew in. If you're too vulnerable like me, people will take you for granted. And yes I wouldn't say so if I hadn't experienced myself. If you keep trying to close an open door, accepted what ought to be rejected, prolonged what oughtta be stopped; if you keep giving without taking (or vice-versa), even if you keep understanding without being understood.. you're bound to lose every little win you have. At the end of the day, you walk home alone crying.

I've been told that my biggest weakness is that I'm too trusting - "You tend to trust people too much, this shows you care about people a lot and value them; however trusting too much can often lead to getting hurt because you will let people walk all over you and forgive them all the time. Be careful!" Does that make sense? Slowly, I discovered how I am instinctively isolating myself from people I've learned to get close with. My mom, for instance, I kinda noticed that something has changed with my relationship to her, no matter how small that be. Then, I feel that sometimes, I become a little too indifferent to people around me: family, friends, colleagues, etc. I know it's hard to regain trust of all things, but I'm too weak to defeat it, especially if I'm faced against someone I care about too much.

I don't know how this is gonna turn out for me. As usual, all I have in my hands are questions unanswered.. A friend once said, "Don't allow others to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option".

I N S E N S I T I V E

This post is about me questioning why there has to be this word called I-N-S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E. Then if that adjective is present, that would mean there are people in the world born to be that. Or, much worse, people who aren't.. but pretends to be. I don't understand why some people would intentionally play it safe just to avoid what's not supposed to be avoided. Pretending not to see things when it's right there in front of their faces. There are just those who keep it silent so they can avoid hurting you or anything; but what they probably don't know is that silence hurts twice as much.

You know.. people tend to claim that they're outspoken, witty and confident, someone who can speak their mind and is not scared about what other people say or think about them and what they do. But sometimes, their words turn out to be some piece of crap! Oh yeah we can all say "we don't care", but your actions say otherwise. What a pity to those who think they're out of their nutshells when they're actually not. Think about it, we can all be so full of words. We only think what we wanna think, see what we wanna see about ourselves, believe what we want to believe; but have you ever gone into the depths of your own self and figured out if that's really who you are? Perhaps honesty becomes one of the hardest qualities there is.

How hard is it to tell your friend that she looks awful in that dress? Is it harder to tell your girlfriend that you don't like stuff about her? Or is it worst to confront your wife/husband about cheating? What I'm trying to say is.. just say what you feel. You don't have to hide that you hate yourself, you don't have to pretend that you're cool and outgoing, you don't have to make other people believe that you're great when you're not, you know you can't keep showing them someone that you're actually not. You don't have to hide what or how you feel about someone or something. What are you ashamed of anyway? Why aren't you proud about stuff in your life? Or is it that you're too proud of yourself you don't wanna stain the shiny image you've sculpted in the watchers' eyes?

There are people who aren't blind, whose eyes aren't closed but they couldn't see. Still they couldn't see. Or probably they haven't started realizing things laid on their tables. And, on second thought, maybe they could.. but prefer to ignore what they see.. like running away from a difficulty, trying to avoid possible dilemmas. People who never tell negative stuff like "i don't eat fish so cook somethin else for me, please" but instead wait for the food to be wasted; friends who refuse to let you know that you're in the wrong side of the road; loved ones who never felt a single thing when they saw you cry so you end up distracted about what they could be thinking about you; a man who’s too ashamed to tell the world that his sister is mentally disabled; people who thinks you're happy because you smile and you laugh and you type in ":D" or "lol"; cowards who cannot admit the truth because they’re too damn scared of the consequences. So it’s easier to be insensitive.

I think that’s bullshit. I’m not saying it never happened to me though. You know when you walk that road and you come across someone you don’t wanna be talking with, so you pretend not to see the person, do stuff like check on your cell phone or look away. I’ve been in that sitch. When you say you ain’t jealous but your heart is opposing, so then you tell yourself to believe you’re not so you can avoid arguments; I’ve been there. Now, some of you, readers, who’d say these has never happened to you.. I know it has.. Even in the smallest, little, unnoticeable way, it has. Why is it so easy to be insensitive? Some are even born naturally insensitive! Wow. I mean I can be like that intentionally; for me, I’m not a mind reader but I’m reading the signs. I guess some people are just plain naïve. They won’t see it unless you present it to them with a dialogue; they won’t see its worth unless you started demanding; they won’t eat it unless you spoon feed them; I guess that’s the irony of insensitivity.. they won’t see you until you finally left.

Overstreaming Overstreet

Okay, so it's late, but I gotta let this out. Why am I always falling down to my feet when I'm watching Sam? This is so ridiculous. But.. it does make me happy! Oh my gosh. It's like he's not so handsome and all that, but he's cute and he looks even better on his chucks. I'm also enjoying Puck, no doubt about it, he's funny in his own stupid little way - and - he does it really well. I think I just don't realize but I'm learning a lot.. music, communication, dramas and heartbreaks, relationships and hardships, even happy and winning times. I kinda noticed it too.. that I'm overstreaming Overstreet. Why the heck do I have a crush on him? Man he's just too charming! Imagine those eyes looking at yours! And when he kneels down to show you that ring as a sign of his promise? Seriously aren't you gonna melt down to the ground??! I know I might sound silly but that's how it friggin makes me feel. Wierd and soo highschool. <3

In the 9th episode of Glee Season 2, there were like dramas all around the club, lessons learned and all that. At one point it also hit me with that part on relationships. But then, I'm not gonna tell you what. The one thing that I love about this show is that it incorporates everything that I like.. music (especially) and performing, high school fun, friendship and love, then the "meanness" (one way or another), plus humor. I like how the story leads to the lesson. And most importantly, I can't seem to get my eyes off Chord. And I'm not talking about any guitar chords here, I'm talking about Chord Overstreet. Watch it here:Glee Season 2 Episode 7, Glee Season 2 Episode 8, Glee Season 2 Episode 9. Yes! I just watched three Glee episodes tonight. Yes! THREE = 3. I guess I missed a lot and so I had to watch all three in the same friggin night. It was a brilliant idea to give the others the chance to shine on Glee. Too much Rachel and Finn doing the ballads/lead solos isn't cool at all.

So that's it. I only wanted to free myself from Sam. I strongly believe that writing about what you feel while it's fresh is ideal to get you over it sooner too. <3

"December"

I woke up with a bad headache today. I guess I was in the wrong side of the bed. And I guess the rain is telling me something.. like sleep more 'cause I need it. Which reminds me that it's 11:34 PM and I just gotta get to bed fast. I don't even know why I'm writing right now, but you know, this is me.. I write, I say I don't know why, but I do. Besides the next days I don't know if I'd still get the chance to do so. My sister recommended that I try writing articles. The only thing I like about it is that you learn stuff you never knew through research and all that when you try to write something for a specific subject.. plus it's what she does for a living.

Switching to another subject: Why do other guys or even exes suddenly show up in the picture when you're taken and happy? Lol. Seriously, this came out from nowhere. But that's nonsense so I'm not going to expound on that one unless it becomes reasonable. Umm.. let me try another: Is it normal for human beings to be emos? Or does it have to mean that you're a psycho? Lol. That came out from nowhere too. But you know, there're a lot of emos out there (including me) who're full of dramas in their lives and couldn't do anything about it besides cry and feel how fucked up life is for them! This is true. I mean the world's not gonna stop and mourn with us, right? Damn.. what am I talking about..

Okay. I'll try a different one for the third time: Hmm..what do I feel like having this Christmas? I wanna buy myself a digital camera - a sleek one! I don't need DSLRs and stuff - pfft! But am I really that weak to give in to this temptation? Waaaahh!! I'm saving for my travel next year! And there are like millions of temptations surrounding me!! So I don't know yet. I'm thinking about what to give to the one I picked - Manito y Manita, yes. I haven't started with my Kris Kringles yet! Have to make a list for that. Oh. And I gotta think about my final gift too! Plus I have a party coming up on the 11th - okay, I guess it's time for time management and task prioritization. Sucks 'cause I'm too lazy to even think about Christmas. What about my dad's birthday on the 21st? He's turning 60! ..And it reminded me again.. how he tells my sister that he's not sure if he's supposed to be happy or sad or mad this coming season.. :'( I want him to stop taking in those problems and start moving on.. I want him to be happy, just like we all were last year.. :'(

I think I have to sleep now. I'll be having a pretty long day tomorrow.. 12 hours baby, 12 long fucking hours!! Well I hope things work out as planned this weekend anyhow. :) Ciao 

Lazybone, what really is it?

I don't know what made me feel this way but I've been like this for some weeks now. It's like everything I do is for compliance, doesn't make any sense, and being alive just doesn't make it any happier. Broad: in a way that it involves work, home, relationships, and myself. It's like I need to sit down and talk to the lazybone inside me and figure out what really is it. I have so many plans but when I try to move a foot I always find myself stuck in the middle with empty hands. When I put my heart on something, come hell or high waters, but when it comes to my major plans in life I always end up with a huge question mark! Like up until now I still don't know what I want! I put a lot of thoughts on planning but I don't know how to start. And when I think about it I just wish I was floating in the air and watching the world from afar, never needing to worry about anything about myself.

I wanted to move away but I can't and it would be impractical to do so. I didn't want to stay either because home is becoming a crying cave for me. We're renovating the whole friggin place but ourselves. I wanted a different job but admittedly you can barely find a better one here in the city. And it could be that I just didn't want to go to Cebu to work. I told you, I need more courage to leave my comfort zone. Sucks that people around have high expectations on me. I'm trash, I'm nothing. Even if I tell myself otherwise, I'd be a friggin plastic. I mean c'mon, this is the only place I can be true to myself. I plan a traineeship out of the country though, and that I would need time and effort from myself. Looks like I'd be traveling to Cebu anyway - haha. This would eat up my concentration I guess, but I'm well driven for this. Let's see how it goes for me in time. I still would need to save up for it anyhow, and, finally a reason to come out of my present job. I think if I'm working on this I'd be more than willing to do the last 30 days with my job. Sounds like fun - enough to inspire me. :)

Love, love, love.. you're just as sweet as the word that you are. But somehow, reality overcomes fantasy. And looks like fairyland is becoming modernized. So love, don't deceive people by making them fall for you and the sweet word that you are. You make them think they're in love but they're only in love with you and the way you make them feel! Sometimes, we all must experience this and ask ourselves if it's really that special someone that we're in love with.. otherwise it's just the feeling of being in love. That friggin spark which started everything anyway. So what is this whole relationship thing for as well? Just like the rest, it's not making any sense to me. At least not in the moment. Why do we need to have someone? Why do we want to be with someone? Why do we risk ourselves with issues coming along with these relationships? Why do we punish ourselves with things that will eventually drain our eyes and break our hearts? And it would even do the same even when you're happy the most..

And now this is the part where you guys will tell me to chill.. because you think I'm unhappy. Well you're probably right. And that's probably one of the reasons why I just want to disappear from this place. I let them all use me and watch them crush my heart into pieces. I hate doing a good job in the wrong company with a pathetic management; and it tears me 'cause I can't do anything about it for now. I hate watching my dad fight back his tears and anger 'cause it scares me that he's so silent about it; and I hate my parents for not putting an end to this sh*t. I hate myself for not loving my own life and wishing I was never born to be me. I hate saying all these things and proving to myself how unlucky and miserable I am. I'm tired of encouraging myself 'cause truth is it never really worked. I'm tired of being trapped in my limitations. I wish it was that easy to throw a needle in that balloon. And I'm sick and tired of this cycle.

You see, what really is it that I'm here for? My life is a big joke. I really don't get why we all do what we do and why we have to live our lives! And I don't remember how I started thinking this way but all I know is it's driving me nuts. You might want to ask why I just can't live my life instead of complaining.. but I ain't complaining, I'm asking.. why do I let myself hurt me? Why can't I just live without asking too much? Why is it so hard to swallow the obvious fact that I'm under the thing called "depression"? Why do I need to pretend that I'm happy just so other people won't mock me? I am so jealous.. ..and it makes me want to cry everytime.

You know what? Worst is, why can't I make my own a better life instead of watching other peoples', with my shining green eyes?

Random Thoughts

And so I needed this. The only time I could actually write is when my mind is ready to face the reality of my thoughts. No matter how hard I try to escape, it always leads me back here.

Yea so the past couple of days we've been humming about this girl who never fails to ruin my day. A girl so insensitive. How can some people be like that? I need to find a make-up as thick as her face though, I could probably use that somewhen somewhere. Most importantly, I need to find a NICE way to let her know these things.."nice" in a sense that I'm not so good in being that (at least most of the times). I don't care what she does or who she wants to be as long as she doesn't get in the way. One more wrong move and I could choke her to death. I hate seeing her face and the smell of her in my room; I hate watching her eat like she's never eaten in years! I hate hearing complaints from my own family about her stupid stuff and she doesn't even realize that; I hate her being such a wanna-be when she's nothing but a big fat social climber!

That's me when I'm mad about something. Wait 'til I show you me when I'm being mean about it. But anyway, I don't need to write it on here, right? Not unless you wanna come on down and talk to me. I could tell you more. Haha - so, enough of the bitch, let's try another viand.. Also this week I poured enough energy to survive another week of work. I face the crowd like I'm superwoman, hehe, and if they could touch me they would know I'd fall down into pieces in just one prick. But this is my show so no matter what I must go on. Funny watching them jaws break in admiration - never wondered if I was as beautiful as what they think. If they knew, they probably wouldn't dare. Not me, the weird and a product of the imagination. I'm flying in the air and I ain't going anywhere. I don't think anyone would dare get me out of my comfort zone anyway. I don't know why I get 'em people scared..which makes me wonder if there'd ever be someone brave enough to break my walls.

What am I thinking? I'm thinking about trying something. Something I've never done before; something not very easy to do. Something to shape up my future, even if I don't see any point why I need to work on it. I'm trying to figure out what I wanna be doing aside from what I do right now. I wanna have.. a plan. A plan? Maybe. Yes. What's the plan? You'll know soon..

The Smell of a Dead Rotten Face

Hahahahahahahahahahah. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I laugh at life for being ironic. What the hell are we humans living for?! I work, I play, I do stuff and earn, happy or not - what the hell is this all about anyway? Is this supposed to be a big joke?

I laugh about it but I'm not happy about it. I don't see the point why I'm here, living this life, for what? Do we even have to have a reason? So if I do these things or not, so what-?! I mean not that I'm having some troubles with my own..but everything I see and feel is becoming.. pointless.

Everywhere I go, I wonder; everywhere I look, there're lies. Everything I do, I think about how unreasonable it is. I wake up everyday and go to work, I earn and save, I come home, do facebook, eat, chill, sing - everything I do! I don't see the point. And when I sleep, before I try to close my eyes, I think.. "What's the purpose of studying, working, earning, yearning and living? Why do I sleep to wake up early for my responsibilities the next day? Why does life don't make any sense to me? Why is this world like this?" Life, money, education, love, people, all the stupid little things.. why??

Do I need divine intervention for this? Or..am i just in the emo mode? All I know though is that I've been here before. And this place sucks, seriously. The smell is awful. The smell of my dead rotten face.

FEAR - November 4, 2010

I’ve never felt so scared like this before…scared to wake up one day and be confronted by my limitations. And I think that day…is every day.

All of these are temporary; my mind, my body, my soul, my happy, my friends, my family…myself. And the challenge to live while I live seems to be a big task. It’s temporary, and yet why do I worry? Must there be something that I should be living by, or, living for? Every one lives their lives differently; some are doomed, some are lucky.

Looking in the eyes of every child is one thing that brings out the green-eyed monster in me. How can I be envious with such innocence? But only in them can I see true happiness, only in those eyes I see the real beauty of innocence, and only in that innocence can I see a life worth living. They laugh and cry without hesitations; love, play, go clumsy and dirty. Why is it that when you’ve grown up you want to be a child again? When you were younger, I’m sure you wanted to grow up fast. Ironic.

My fear is to wake up one day and be reminded of my limitations. And every day when I wake up to do my routine I face that fear. You see I get through a day besieged by these taunts but I never get over it. Every morning and the next it will be the same…it makes me sad. And I’ve never felt so scared about something. I wish I had hands like rubber so I could reach the heavens; I wish I had a steel-face so I don’t feel those tiny little stones thrown at me; I wish I had the power to stop the moment and allow myself to breathe, then decide when to snap everything back to action. I am tired of wearing this mask covering up my fugly face! You think if I take this off you’d still love me? If you see my dark dying color would you still want to stay friends with me? I can’t even look at myself to tell her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world. Well at least, she pretends to be. But I’m also tired of these tears telling me how I’m never going to win the so-called ‘life worth living’. I’m tired of crying over my weakness and boundaries; plus these uncontrollable tears are stinging my eyes…

I think I just never really loved myself. It probably appears that I do more than whatever, but the truth is: I have the biggest insecurities. So I have to tell myself I’m beautiful because I feel good about it; I have to believe that I’m smart so I can be appreciated; I have to be nice because I need to impress them all; and then, I have to be somebody else so they’d like me. I even have to lie to myself that I’m happy being me. I have to act like everything’s good when there’s actually a big mess backstage. Yes you’d never want to listen to me after this; I bet you’d never want to believe me even after I put myself down. And why am I suddenly throwing the crown?

Maybe because…I don’t want to keep waking up wasting my life with heavy eyes and a heavy heart; maybe because…I need to realize that life will never be perfect for anyone anyway; maybe because…there are people who are willing to love me even without the mask; maybe because…I just don’t deserve that crown. Maybe because…

End of the Line - September 21, 2010

If the world asked me to tell my story, I know I’d play it safe. It’s where I’m good at. If a friend asks me what happened, I’d probably tell him half of the story. I never succeeded when it comes to trusting anyone with my own pathetic self. If you’re to ask me if I’m happy, I know I’d honestly tell you I’m not. But I don’t think you can make me tell you why. This is the life that taught me one simple thought which I’m trying to prove wrong up until now: “Never trust anyone. Never trust the words you hear. Never let anyone in.” And I guess in some situations I’ve been, people could use it against you. So it remained to me that it would be much safer to keep it all in.

If the world asked me to dream, I think I’d smile to say “yes, you have no idea.” I’ve seen my dreams change while I grew up and I loved it. I kept hold of it for years. If you ask me about my biggest dream, I’d probably stop to think first, since every single dream I had is big. Now if a friend tells me to stop dreaming, he doesn’t need to do that. I’m already driving the wheel back home, back to me. I’m no longer dreaming of the green fields, no longer dreaming of his beautiful face; no longer wanting to touch the sky; no longer wishing upon a star. I’m no longer dreaming of smelling roses, no longer dreaming of the impossible.

I’m giving it up. The harder the grip, the more that it’s forcing its way out; the more you hold on to it, the deeper it hurts. I think living with nothing in my hands would give me the peace of mind that I’ve long needed. So I’m giving up the dream of a paradise; I’m giving up the dream I’ve been holding on too tight. I’m giving up because it’s not worth fighting for anymore; and if in time it comes back, it’ll be mine.

If the world asks me if I’m crying, I can tell them the truth. Yet the world wouldn’t be seeing me do so. I’m a dreamer, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Only that with the hope I was given, I’m giving it up. I’m letting go of the shining-and-shimmering; I’m letting go of a beautiful butterfly-filled garden; I’m letting go of my heart’s desire. I’ve been watching it come and go, watch it fade away and thought I was blind, but now it’s about time. It’s time to wake up; open my eyes and see that I don’t have wings, I don’t have super powers. And it’s time to look at the other side of the road, time to try a different pair of shoes, figure out if pistachio is as good as vanilla ice cream. It’s time to move on.

As long as I’m living the world can give me more. More than what my heart desires. I was too focused on that one star I didn’t notice all the others were just as beautiful. As long as I’m breathing the world can show me more. More than what I needed. I too have a lot to give if I go out there and prove it. Why did I stay in this corner watching my star slowly fade? So now I’m moving on. Another dream, another hope. I’ve come to the end of the line and will give this dream a kiss goodbye. “Thank you for keeping me, but I gotta go. I’ll find myself a place to park and I can do it myself. You’ll see in time, I will. ‘Til we meet again.”

Obscure - September 7-10, 2010

So they say the world is round although it doesn’t appear to be; and that life is as precious as a gem stone. So as we humans grow we open those hands to discover the root to different curiosities; and the minds gain freedom to choose what to believe and where to settle in. But no, it doesn’t stop there. The picture shows different explanations and conclusions - science or general psychology - the human mind has probably the strongest power to think, analyze, and search even the deepest depths for answers and problems to answer. This is quite an impressive study, but where did it all start? It’s not just about life stories where theorists and researchers find interest in; not to mention they try different approaches to understanding human behavior and experience. It’s much weirder to discover that psychologists used to view life as “little” different from fairytales.

Science can maybe explain why the world appears to be round in the outer space; and they can even provide us with different views and insights, facts and details. Any way you try to look at the picture, it will never stop presenting you new wonders which one will eventually try to dig into. Every day, every minute, maybe even every second – science can give you more – that is if you are willing to entertain confusion, and if you’re too curious with life.

Life is more precious than gem stones. At least for me; life can give you diamonds or pearls but definitely not the other way around. Religiously speaking, life has a purpose – to some: is to share the word of God and his teachings. This is simply being taught in a normal Christian Catholic school; to others: it’s for you to find out. Understand that the mind works in freedom to where it wishes to remain. Basically, it’s letting yourself fly to where you want to. There may be a lot of studies and theories in the modern world of people today or since then, but so powerful the mind is that it gets to decide in its own free will. You believe what you want to believe, think what you want to think, or say what you feel like saying. Only that, it works with the consequences around it, to most of us: there is always a need for consideration (things, people, maybe situations?). The mind can take control.

Funny how broad this discussion will be if we look into it detail by detail. The mind can think too much, or, think too little; and this writing is definitely for those who are at the edge of curiosity, but unwilling to dig down for the roots to lick the tip of it.