I’ve never felt so scared like this before…scared to wake up one day and be confronted by my limitations. And I think that day…is every day.
All of these are temporary; my mind, my body, my soul, my happy, my friends, my family…myself. And the challenge to live while I live seems to be a big task. It’s temporary, and yet why do I worry? Must there be something that I should be living by, or, living for? Every one lives their lives differently; some are doomed, some are lucky.
Looking in the eyes of every child is one thing that brings out the green-eyed monster in me. How can I be envious with such innocence? But only in them can I see true happiness, only in those eyes I see the real beauty of innocence, and only in that innocence can I see a life worth living. They laugh and cry without hesitations; love, play, go clumsy and dirty. Why is it that when you’ve grown up you want to be a child again? When you were younger, I’m sure you wanted to grow up fast. Ironic.
My fear is to wake up one day and be reminded of my limitations. And every day when I wake up to do my routine I face that fear. You see I get through a day besieged by these taunts but I never get over it. Every morning and the next it will be the same…it makes me sad. And I’ve never felt so scared about something. I wish I had hands like rubber so I could reach the heavens; I wish I had a steel-face so I don’t feel those tiny little stones thrown at me; I wish I had the power to stop the moment and allow myself to breathe, then decide when to snap everything back to action. I am tired of wearing this mask covering up my fugly face! You think if I take this off you’d still love me? If you see my dark dying color would you still want to stay friends with me? I can’t even look at myself to tell her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world. Well at least, she pretends to be. But I’m also tired of these tears telling me how I’m never going to win the so-called ‘life worth living’. I’m tired of crying over my weakness and boundaries; plus these uncontrollable tears are stinging my eyes…
I think I just never really loved myself. It probably appears that I do more than whatever, but the truth is: I have the biggest insecurities. So I have to tell myself I’m beautiful because I feel good about it; I have to believe that I’m smart so I can be appreciated; I have to be nice because I need to impress them all; and then, I have to be somebody else so they’d like me. I even have to lie to myself that I’m happy being me. I have to act like everything’s good when there’s actually a big mess backstage. Yes you’d never want to listen to me after this; I bet you’d never want to believe me even after I put myself down. And why am I suddenly throwing the crown?
Maybe because…I don’t want to keep waking up wasting my life with heavy eyes and a heavy heart; maybe because…I need to realize that life will never be perfect for anyone anyway; maybe because…there are people who are willing to love me even without the mask; maybe because…I just don’t deserve that crown. Maybe because…
No comments:
Post a Comment