Lazybone, what really is it?

I don't know what made me feel this way but I've been like this for some weeks now. It's like everything I do is for compliance, doesn't make any sense, and being alive just doesn't make it any happier. Broad: in a way that it involves work, home, relationships, and myself. It's like I need to sit down and talk to the lazybone inside me and figure out what really is it. I have so many plans but when I try to move a foot I always find myself stuck in the middle with empty hands. When I put my heart on something, come hell or high waters, but when it comes to my major plans in life I always end up with a huge question mark! Like up until now I still don't know what I want! I put a lot of thoughts on planning but I don't know how to start. And when I think about it I just wish I was floating in the air and watching the world from afar, never needing to worry about anything about myself.

I wanted to move away but I can't and it would be impractical to do so. I didn't want to stay either because home is becoming a crying cave for me. We're renovating the whole friggin place but ourselves. I wanted a different job but admittedly you can barely find a better one here in the city. And it could be that I just didn't want to go to Cebu to work. I told you, I need more courage to leave my comfort zone. Sucks that people around have high expectations on me. I'm trash, I'm nothing. Even if I tell myself otherwise, I'd be a friggin plastic. I mean c'mon, this is the only place I can be true to myself. I plan a traineeship out of the country though, and that I would need time and effort from myself. Looks like I'd be traveling to Cebu anyway - haha. This would eat up my concentration I guess, but I'm well driven for this. Let's see how it goes for me in time. I still would need to save up for it anyhow, and, finally a reason to come out of my present job. I think if I'm working on this I'd be more than willing to do the last 30 days with my job. Sounds like fun - enough to inspire me. :)

Love, love, love.. you're just as sweet as the word that you are. But somehow, reality overcomes fantasy. And looks like fairyland is becoming modernized. So love, don't deceive people by making them fall for you and the sweet word that you are. You make them think they're in love but they're only in love with you and the way you make them feel! Sometimes, we all must experience this and ask ourselves if it's really that special someone that we're in love with.. otherwise it's just the feeling of being in love. That friggin spark which started everything anyway. So what is this whole relationship thing for as well? Just like the rest, it's not making any sense to me. At least not in the moment. Why do we need to have someone? Why do we want to be with someone? Why do we risk ourselves with issues coming along with these relationships? Why do we punish ourselves with things that will eventually drain our eyes and break our hearts? And it would even do the same even when you're happy the most..

And now this is the part where you guys will tell me to chill.. because you think I'm unhappy. Well you're probably right. And that's probably one of the reasons why I just want to disappear from this place. I let them all use me and watch them crush my heart into pieces. I hate doing a good job in the wrong company with a pathetic management; and it tears me 'cause I can't do anything about it for now. I hate watching my dad fight back his tears and anger 'cause it scares me that he's so silent about it; and I hate my parents for not putting an end to this sh*t. I hate myself for not loving my own life and wishing I was never born to be me. I hate saying all these things and proving to myself how unlucky and miserable I am. I'm tired of encouraging myself 'cause truth is it never really worked. I'm tired of being trapped in my limitations. I wish it was that easy to throw a needle in that balloon. And I'm sick and tired of this cycle.

You see, what really is it that I'm here for? My life is a big joke. I really don't get why we all do what we do and why we have to live our lives! And I don't remember how I started thinking this way but all I know is it's driving me nuts. You might want to ask why I just can't live my life instead of complaining.. but I ain't complaining, I'm asking.. why do I let myself hurt me? Why can't I just live without asking too much? Why is it so hard to swallow the obvious fact that I'm under the thing called "depression"? Why do I need to pretend that I'm happy just so other people won't mock me? I am so jealous.. ..and it makes me want to cry everytime.

You know what? Worst is, why can't I make my own a better life instead of watching other peoples', with my shining green eyes?