The Grinch

Season's greetings? Pfft. I now understand why I couldn't feel the Christmas air around. This holidays, I am the Grinch. I feel like one, act like one, and yes (right now) I look like one. I don't have a merry little christmas. I don't have the happy holidays. I didn't choose it to be like that, it grew in me because of so many f***ing things I'm angry about! You know, 'cause even if I choose otherwise, thinking about those things still makes me feel bad. In other words, I try to be happy this season, but the mood is always f***ed up when I'm reminded of how disappointed I am with a few specific things! I'm totally not expecting this one this year but this is by far the most frustrating Christmas ever! Every bit of b*llsh*t is right here in front of me. GRRR! I wish I can put em on here in details. I'm so furious right now that I wish I just disappear so I won't see everyone else having a f***ing good time and I'm not! I'm so f***ing jealous! And you know what? I don't even care if you don't know that; I'd rather have you not care anyway than make me think you do so just don't try. I'm talking to you people who always pretend to care. Well do you even know what that word means? 'Cause it means much to me and if you can't give me a real genuine one just don't bother! I don't wanna expect anything. I really hate it when they try sooo f***ing hard and they appear too good to be true..and come to think of it - they only care about you because they think you're expecting them to! What the f***. Thank you, but I think I can manage. That's just gonna ruin my already f***ed up life you know. Stop. Just please. I'm sick and I'm tired of false hopes. Don't I deserve real stuff at least? What a verryy sh*tty day! I don't think I deserve all these sh*t from everyone damn it. Can somebody just shoot me? This is headin nowhere anyway, right.

How cool, I am so good at acting too..bah, more like 'pretending'. But in my case, at present, I only pretend about one thing. Having a merry Christmas. Harr. It's good to receive gifts and take pictures and see the happy faces of my family. It's even better to drink and get knocked out a.s.a.p so I won't be able to use my brain the whole wasted hours doing so, and then I'd wake up to another day which I'd try to survive again. It's one way or another a tool to fast-forward reality. Whoa. My mind is creating so much emoness and nonsense. Nah, I don't care, it's the truth. So, enjoy your happy holidays!!

All I Want for Christmas...

Even if I don't feel Christmas air yet; even if the 'happy season' means 'breaking up session'; even if I haven't completed my kringles yet; even if Christmas won't be as merry as it was when I was six. I'll at least have a very glee Christmas this year. Apparently it's one thing which inspires me, somehow. The only show at the moment which entertains me with humor and lessons and catches my heart with music and love. And yes, the only show I put effort to watching online when I get the time. It's like when I'm down, I watch it and I forget about being down; when I'm feeling sh*tty, I watch it and I'm happy again. It helps me ease the evil spirit residing in this deceiving human body. There's the feeling of wanting to actually be a part of the club (even if it means going back to the high school days), there's the feeling of joy when they work and perform together, the feeling of sadness when their hearts are broken. It's like when I watch it, I actually become part of it.

Episode 10 moved me because: First, Sue had conscience. Even the Grinch has a soul after all. In my understanding, this basically means Christmas is a season for all, regardless of attitude, work, education, religion, etc. It's not just about Jesus Christ born in Bethlehem like what most religious would talk about often.. for me, it's also about being happy because something inside you just wants to be, and that feeling is too strong it's overflowing so you share it with everybody else around you..especially the ones you love. We can all be happy and we can all give love all throughout the year - I'm there. But this season makes it different because the whole world celebrates it with you. And it wouldn't even matter what you believe in. Like me, I just believe that Christmas is special, the most wonderful time of the year. Second, the songs, they're just great. Reminds me of the carolings back in my younger years. The Christmas carol they did to the faculty moved me (like the way it did with Sue)..the musical arrangement, the acapella, the meaning, even what they were doing it for: the homeless children. Third, it's love. Happy or sad, freshly baked or heart broken, it's inspiring. Quinn happily together with Sam, Arty and Brittany, and even if Rachel is going to spend her Christmas without Finn, it doesn't have to mean lonely Christmas. Lastly, coach Biest becoming Santa for Brittany. I know it's weird for a 16-year-old to still believe in Santa, but she does, and it was sweet of her to actually ask for nothing else but for Arty to be able to walk. And since Santa (coach Biest) cannot literally or whatsoeverlly give what she's asking for, she gave her that expensive mechanical thing which'd help Arty walk, somehow, even if it's for only a few hours in one day. And they didn't even know it came from her. What a very Christmasey episode.

I don't mean to give you a summary (even if I already did), I only wanted to share the joy it gave me. Yea, even if it's just that. I remember joining VFV's (Volunteers for the Visayans) Christmas party and gift-giving last year. You know, it doesn't have to be perfect, nor does it have to be massive.. it just have to be real. I was given the opporuntiy to hand those gifts to the kids as if I was one of Santa's elves, and little did they know how touched I am in that moment watching them full of happiness while they reach their hands out for those wrapped give-aways. The families were waiting for their names to be called so they can have their Christmas goodies. I knew what I felt there was real. I still wanna cry about it when I try to remember. If you've seen what I've seen, you would understand me. The bright eyes shining with gladness that day, the smiles in every child's face, full of enthusiasm, coming up to me with confidence because they wanted to know who I am (because I was a new volunteer). I felt nothing but real happiness right there. I happily sang a carol with Petra because we were judges (also Albert Poon) to the singing and dancing contest they had. It was wonderful to make new friends, even more heart-warming to join the giving. If I had billions, even millions, I'd plan my own giving day for these children. I know it wouldn't be enough for the whole world and for their whole lives, but making them happy with a day like that is priceless. And it makes me happy too. The night before the giving we were partying at the dome. And I seriously didn't get enough sleep I think I only had 2 hours because I had to attend this party at like 9am or something. 'I had to' means I wanted to, needed to, driven to really be there.. one of the best things I enjoy about meeting Nikki and Ton, Steve, Frankie, Albert, Andrew, all these special guys I met from Bliss, staff or volunteers. They share the same thing with me.. being able to help in my own little ways. Up until now, actually. And so yes, I went there without sleep, still motivated to take part and invited Rodelette and Che (even if Che came when the event was about to end).. it was fun. One of the best times! :)

For me, that is the real meaning of Christmas. When you feel special and you make others feel special too. No "garbos" (pride), no competitions. Last year I was privileged to spend Christmas like that, new people, new life-changing experiences, new friends. I realized I don't want much for myself, I mean I don't really buy stuff unless otherwise necessary. Joining their activites was enough for me, spending my money with these kids instead of my own travels can be worth it anyway. This season, Glee flashed me back to that experience and reminded me that all along...all I wanted every year was - love. And I still believe that the more you give it, the more you will receive.

Lesson 12/08

I've been told not to trust other people easily. I've been told because that's one of my weaknesses. Then witnessing what my parents have been through, it taught me one thing: that it's true. Never trust yourself to anyone. Never. It's crap 'cause it's pretty damn hard. For me it's probably not gonna work, if only I can make it work, I wouldn't trust anyone but myself. I think the only person who wouldn't wanna try hurting me is myself. So I'm safer here.

No man is an island. And I think I'm the only exception. I am an island. The lost and the cursed. And that's exaggerating. Well two is still better than one. I hope I don't sound conceited or anything, I'm just stating a fact. Träume und Wünsche müssen manchmal sterben wie Blumen im Winter. Aber ihre Samen überleben in der Erde bis zum nächsten Frühling. And while that happens, I'm learning lessons in life. So even if life sometimes sucks as hell, I stand up and get up to see what happens next.

You don't really end up happy all the time, you can't have the best of both worlds; but it shapes up your personality. The problem is, there are always lessons, but do we ever learn them and take them in? For someone as stubborn as I am, learning is something really difficult to chew in. If you're too vulnerable like me, people will take you for granted. And yes I wouldn't say so if I hadn't experienced myself. If you keep trying to close an open door, accepted what ought to be rejected, prolonged what oughtta be stopped; if you keep giving without taking (or vice-versa), even if you keep understanding without being understood.. you're bound to lose every little win you have. At the end of the day, you walk home alone crying.

I've been told that my biggest weakness is that I'm too trusting - "You tend to trust people too much, this shows you care about people a lot and value them; however trusting too much can often lead to getting hurt because you will let people walk all over you and forgive them all the time. Be careful!" Does that make sense? Slowly, I discovered how I am instinctively isolating myself from people I've learned to get close with. My mom, for instance, I kinda noticed that something has changed with my relationship to her, no matter how small that be. Then, I feel that sometimes, I become a little too indifferent to people around me: family, friends, colleagues, etc. I know it's hard to regain trust of all things, but I'm too weak to defeat it, especially if I'm faced against someone I care about too much.

I don't know how this is gonna turn out for me. As usual, all I have in my hands are questions unanswered.. A friend once said, "Don't allow others to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option".

I N S E N S I T I V E

This post is about me questioning why there has to be this word called I-N-S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E. Then if that adjective is present, that would mean there are people in the world born to be that. Or, much worse, people who aren't.. but pretends to be. I don't understand why some people would intentionally play it safe just to avoid what's not supposed to be avoided. Pretending not to see things when it's right there in front of their faces. There are just those who keep it silent so they can avoid hurting you or anything; but what they probably don't know is that silence hurts twice as much.

You know.. people tend to claim that they're outspoken, witty and confident, someone who can speak their mind and is not scared about what other people say or think about them and what they do. But sometimes, their words turn out to be some piece of crap! Oh yeah we can all say "we don't care", but your actions say otherwise. What a pity to those who think they're out of their nutshells when they're actually not. Think about it, we can all be so full of words. We only think what we wanna think, see what we wanna see about ourselves, believe what we want to believe; but have you ever gone into the depths of your own self and figured out if that's really who you are? Perhaps honesty becomes one of the hardest qualities there is.

How hard is it to tell your friend that she looks awful in that dress? Is it harder to tell your girlfriend that you don't like stuff about her? Or is it worst to confront your wife/husband about cheating? What I'm trying to say is.. just say what you feel. You don't have to hide that you hate yourself, you don't have to pretend that you're cool and outgoing, you don't have to make other people believe that you're great when you're not, you know you can't keep showing them someone that you're actually not. You don't have to hide what or how you feel about someone or something. What are you ashamed of anyway? Why aren't you proud about stuff in your life? Or is it that you're too proud of yourself you don't wanna stain the shiny image you've sculpted in the watchers' eyes?

There are people who aren't blind, whose eyes aren't closed but they couldn't see. Still they couldn't see. Or probably they haven't started realizing things laid on their tables. And, on second thought, maybe they could.. but prefer to ignore what they see.. like running away from a difficulty, trying to avoid possible dilemmas. People who never tell negative stuff like "i don't eat fish so cook somethin else for me, please" but instead wait for the food to be wasted; friends who refuse to let you know that you're in the wrong side of the road; loved ones who never felt a single thing when they saw you cry so you end up distracted about what they could be thinking about you; a man who’s too ashamed to tell the world that his sister is mentally disabled; people who thinks you're happy because you smile and you laugh and you type in ":D" or "lol"; cowards who cannot admit the truth because they’re too damn scared of the consequences. So it’s easier to be insensitive.

I think that’s bullshit. I’m not saying it never happened to me though. You know when you walk that road and you come across someone you don’t wanna be talking with, so you pretend not to see the person, do stuff like check on your cell phone or look away. I’ve been in that sitch. When you say you ain’t jealous but your heart is opposing, so then you tell yourself to believe you’re not so you can avoid arguments; I’ve been there. Now, some of you, readers, who’d say these has never happened to you.. I know it has.. Even in the smallest, little, unnoticeable way, it has. Why is it so easy to be insensitive? Some are even born naturally insensitive! Wow. I mean I can be like that intentionally; for me, I’m not a mind reader but I’m reading the signs. I guess some people are just plain naïve. They won’t see it unless you present it to them with a dialogue; they won’t see its worth unless you started demanding; they won’t eat it unless you spoon feed them; I guess that’s the irony of insensitivity.. they won’t see you until you finally left.

Overstreaming Overstreet

Okay, so it's late, but I gotta let this out. Why am I always falling down to my feet when I'm watching Sam? This is so ridiculous. But.. it does make me happy! Oh my gosh. It's like he's not so handsome and all that, but he's cute and he looks even better on his chucks. I'm also enjoying Puck, no doubt about it, he's funny in his own stupid little way - and - he does it really well. I think I just don't realize but I'm learning a lot.. music, communication, dramas and heartbreaks, relationships and hardships, even happy and winning times. I kinda noticed it too.. that I'm overstreaming Overstreet. Why the heck do I have a crush on him? Man he's just too charming! Imagine those eyes looking at yours! And when he kneels down to show you that ring as a sign of his promise? Seriously aren't you gonna melt down to the ground??! I know I might sound silly but that's how it friggin makes me feel. Wierd and soo highschool. <3

In the 9th episode of Glee Season 2, there were like dramas all around the club, lessons learned and all that. At one point it also hit me with that part on relationships. But then, I'm not gonna tell you what. The one thing that I love about this show is that it incorporates everything that I like.. music (especially) and performing, high school fun, friendship and love, then the "meanness" (one way or another), plus humor. I like how the story leads to the lesson. And most importantly, I can't seem to get my eyes off Chord. And I'm not talking about any guitar chords here, I'm talking about Chord Overstreet. Watch it here:Glee Season 2 Episode 7, Glee Season 2 Episode 8, Glee Season 2 Episode 9. Yes! I just watched three Glee episodes tonight. Yes! THREE = 3. I guess I missed a lot and so I had to watch all three in the same friggin night. It was a brilliant idea to give the others the chance to shine on Glee. Too much Rachel and Finn doing the ballads/lead solos isn't cool at all.

So that's it. I only wanted to free myself from Sam. I strongly believe that writing about what you feel while it's fresh is ideal to get you over it sooner too. <3

"December"

I woke up with a bad headache today. I guess I was in the wrong side of the bed. And I guess the rain is telling me something.. like sleep more 'cause I need it. Which reminds me that it's 11:34 PM and I just gotta get to bed fast. I don't even know why I'm writing right now, but you know, this is me.. I write, I say I don't know why, but I do. Besides the next days I don't know if I'd still get the chance to do so. My sister recommended that I try writing articles. The only thing I like about it is that you learn stuff you never knew through research and all that when you try to write something for a specific subject.. plus it's what she does for a living.

Switching to another subject: Why do other guys or even exes suddenly show up in the picture when you're taken and happy? Lol. Seriously, this came out from nowhere. But that's nonsense so I'm not going to expound on that one unless it becomes reasonable. Umm.. let me try another: Is it normal for human beings to be emos? Or does it have to mean that you're a psycho? Lol. That came out from nowhere too. But you know, there're a lot of emos out there (including me) who're full of dramas in their lives and couldn't do anything about it besides cry and feel how fucked up life is for them! This is true. I mean the world's not gonna stop and mourn with us, right? Damn.. what am I talking about..

Okay. I'll try a different one for the third time: Hmm..what do I feel like having this Christmas? I wanna buy myself a digital camera - a sleek one! I don't need DSLRs and stuff - pfft! But am I really that weak to give in to this temptation? Waaaahh!! I'm saving for my travel next year! And there are like millions of temptations surrounding me!! So I don't know yet. I'm thinking about what to give to the one I picked - Manito y Manita, yes. I haven't started with my Kris Kringles yet! Have to make a list for that. Oh. And I gotta think about my final gift too! Plus I have a party coming up on the 11th - okay, I guess it's time for time management and task prioritization. Sucks 'cause I'm too lazy to even think about Christmas. What about my dad's birthday on the 21st? He's turning 60! ..And it reminded me again.. how he tells my sister that he's not sure if he's supposed to be happy or sad or mad this coming season.. :'( I want him to stop taking in those problems and start moving on.. I want him to be happy, just like we all were last year.. :'(

I think I have to sleep now. I'll be having a pretty long day tomorrow.. 12 hours baby, 12 long fucking hours!! Well I hope things work out as planned this weekend anyhow. :) Ciao