*Running Up the Hill

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
there is thunder in our hearts.

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me.
It's you and me, won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could...

"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, ..."

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

The Refuge

Those fingers are hyper again.

And the mind has found inspiration.
That empty heart that knocks on the stranger’s door.

That cup on top of the wooden table.

Fill it up into satisfaction.
This empty space in an old forgotten home.

Light up the dark as he enters the room.

He brings nothing but complication.
That lonely soul he revisits every day.

A year has passed again.

And the words have worn out into incarceration.
The lonely man has found refuge in this conviction.

The skies are blue while it rains.

Thunder roars in its consummation.
But that sturdy heart rests on his shadow.

This is right but this is wrong.

The mind has lost all full control.
He whispers his arrival with scattered flames and abomination.

But the grip is made of bombs and bones.

The stronger it holds the mightier he goes.
That sturdy heart is wounded after all.

They are all warriors of warfare.

And they are stranded on the same ground.
Their empty hearts have left to find the taking.

Those tears are falling again.

And the mind is fighting with deception.
That lonely place of silence and fear.

That dose he left on the glass table.

A temporary high of pure attention.
The weak soul is confined begging for cure.

Cheer up the gloom as the memory dances.

He gives nothing but affection.
The aching heart is mended anyway.

Time has passed again.

The refuge rooted from misconception.
That dainty image is scarred with imperfection.

The man is confused again.

The wreckages were made to new construction.
That elusive scenery painted with guilt.

This is the beauty of his song.

When the heart finds nowhere to belong.
He takes away the pain like evanescent exultation.

yOu

You spend so much time trying to make yourself happy. You like to show off, you like to impress. You do whatever you want and you don’t care.

 

You have simple days and simple ways. You’re a happy-go-lucky. You’re always smart, you like to talk, and you are straightforward but not always.

 

You have your own share of qualms but you don’t show. You walk away from the dark because you want life to be all rainbows and butterflies.

 

You like to have fun. You like to satisfy your own needs and queries. You’re spontaneous and open-minded. You’re down-to-earth. You like feeling good.

 

But your head is in the clouds you never feel insecure. You are confident but you are frozen. You have a big ego, you are self-centered.

 

You are patient, you are kind, but you’re never thoughtful and you are blind. You like to go with the flow, you like to play safe.

 

Have you ever tried to make other people happy? To not think about yourself, to look outside and wonder what you could do for them needy?

 

Have you ever loved deeply? And give up things and make a choice. Have you ever cried because life isn’t perfect? Or did you run away because crying doesn’t feel good?

 

You keep away from blame, you hide away from pain. You try to protect yourself and you don’t care what other people say. You think about yourself all the time.

 

You’re friendly and you like to entertain. You like to be in the spotlight you forget about everything else backstage. You want to be awesome. You want to be cool.

 

You take things for granted because you want to enjoy your life. You like to flirt, get naughty and nice. You crave all human fun you can get because this is life for you.

 

Have you ever humbled yourself for the sake of others? Have you ever accepted the reality of the existence of the bad times? Like you have embraced the good ones.

 

Why are you frightened to open your eyes in the dark? Why are you taunted when it comes to laying the cards on the table? Is it really that you’re plain stiff, or, is your heart shielded by pride?

 

Have you ever sacrificed for a loved one? Would you give up your own pleasure to help them? Or would you rather lose them ones who cause you misery?

 

You’re optimistic. You’re enthusiastic. You’re full of life. You’re curious, you’re a genius. You are loved, you are liked.

 

But you don’t know that you’re special. You don’t know that to someone you are life.

 

You don’t know because you’re not listening. You don’t know because you’re busy minding your own life.

 

“If all else fails, would you be there to love me? When all else fails, would you be brave to see right through me?”

Untitled

 They creep in slowly,

      In the deepest, darkest sleep

 They will own you
         ‘til you are spellbound;
 They mislead you
             In your longest, weakest time
 They can consume you
                Then they take you ‘til your down;
 It’s my own shadow, it’s me,
      It’s evil residing in my own body
 It moves me, controls me
         And it eats me up inside;
 I’m spinning all around
              It goes on and on without stop
 I see nothing but ugly
                So I run and hide ‘til I fall out;
 They will kill your soul,
      Thoughts paralyzed, spirits damaged
 They will change you
         And use you then they leave you;
 They whisper things you don’t want to hear
              Like noise echoing overnight
 They are chemicals and poltergeist
                A nightmare, a waste of time
 I feel the fire burning,

      I hear my own voice screaming

 I feel those fingers crawl in

        Then I don’t feel my heart beating;

 I’ve been disturbed, forsaken
              If I succumb, if I lost sanity
 I am murdered by my own hands
                This beast implanted by uncertainty.

"Departure"

09.10.2012 

I’m stressed again. I don’t feel too well because of that. It’s amazing how the brain works to bring all of me to shut down. I’m in paranoia. I think about so many things too much. I’m aiming so badly for things to happen the way I imagine them to. But no. It looks like nature and fate itself is fighting back. I’m anxious to see what is going to happen and the more that I do the more that I expect. I feel so restless and uneasy. I don’t have the drive to do anything at all. I mean I try, but I seem to be out of control. I feel like I am not myself.

 

There are tears forming behind my eyes but I can’t cry them out. I don’t want to cry them out because it’s going to hurt. I have never felt so abandoned, like the entire world is forming a troop against me. It’s not supposed to be like this. But I feel so helpless I can only run away until they catch me and tear me apart. This is my mind’s work and I know I’ve got to fight it. But everything seems to be scattered along my way, they have been broken down into pieces. All I want to do is close my eyes and hope the nightmare is gone when I wake.

 

If only hate and anger never existed. If only frustration meant a positive word. If only there were reasons to be happy all around me. Even the rain says otherwise. At least the rain can express itself freely. I can’t. I can’t even spread my wings because I don’t have any. I don’t have the power to make things happen the way I want them to. I can only wait and see. I can only watch my own failure or success. I guess I set my expectations too high that it hurt when it bounced back. I guess I trusted people too much in pursuit of my own happiness. Maybe sometimes I need to be independent. Maybe sometimes I need to let go of the things that hurt. Maybe I need to love myself for being so imperfect. And just maybe, everything will be fine.

 

I wear a mascot to entertain everybody. I am an impostor in this dying place. And as much as I would like to run away, I fear the guards, I fear the pain. I fear the mouths and the bullets and I will need strength to keep me sane. At the moment I’m too weak to think more, like I just want to give up and let them do the rest. I just want to stop and breathe and lock myself safe in my bed. I’m sick and tired. I want to end this trip and just start anew. There is no use prolonging the agony. There is no use to all sacrifices. Reality is that things have changed and this place is no longer what it used to be. Evil reigns in this unjust, unhappy dynasty.

 

I can’t stay. I can’t pretend I’m happy here. I can’t keep moving and watching them inject me with all crappy thoughts. I always thought I could win all these. But I have limitations after all. Sometimes things have to get messy before you finally realize you need to change your mind. Sometimes some people do not realize your worth until you're gone. Sometimes, it takes one big risk before you get to where you truly belong. And I guess it's true that there is a time for departure even when there is no certain place to go.

.. simple heartaches ...

Today is a pretty sad day. I was taunted by doubts and fears and wonders and hate. Why? Why do I hate this part when I think and cry all by myself? People really never knew what you're going through unless they have been in your shoe. They will never understand because they never tried to look at the picture the way you did.

 

Una, tanong ni Ate bakit daw sa December pa ako aalis. Kasi Christmas daw.. kasi iba daw 'pag wala ako.. marami naman daw ibang araw.. Kailan? Kapag wala nang pagkakataon? Kapag nagunaw na ang mundo? Ang sabi ko, walang ibang panahon. Estudyante ang boyfriend ko at hindi madali ang mag-leave sa trabaho ko. Besides, dapat naman talaga ay December aalis ako at noon pa man ay alam nila yun. I'd love to spend Christmas and holidays with the family, but this one is going to be different at least for now. Ewan ko. Mahirap sigurong intindihin yun. I've been longing to spend quality time with the family, maybe go out, do something somewhere. But it never really happens. These dates I am going to spend time with my boyfriend are precious. Hindi naman kami palaging magkasama. At ito ay matagal na naming na-i-plano.

 

Masama bang ako naman ay magdesisyon para sa sarili ko? Masama bang ako naman ang sumaya? Buti sila kasi magkakasama na sila. Ako hindi, wala, mag-isa. Masama bang for once ay isipin naman nila ang kaligayahan ko? I've been here all my life. Nagreklamo ba ako nung iniwan ako ng Ate? Hindi naman ah. In fact I have learned that this is a reality of life. We will never be together always. Darating at darating ang panahon na mag-iibang daan din tayo. It's unfair. I can't just force myself to be here just because that's what they like. Paano naman ako? Paano na lang kung nag-asawa na ako? I don't understand why it's so easy for her to start talking me out on this. They probably never really tried to see me through.

 

I felt sad. I felt sad because it shows that she doesn't understand. Hindi niya alam kung paano mag-isa emotionally. Ang tagal ko nang malungkot, ang tagal ko nang nangangarap ng pagbabago, ang dami kong kinikimkim sa dibdib ko na hindi nila alam. And now, finally, I am making a decision that will make me happy. A new experience. Hindi ba pwedeng maging masaya na lang sila para sa akin? Tapos ngayon iiyak ako kasi pakiramdam ko mali ang desisyon ko para sa kanya.

 

So now I think about my boyfriend. Is he really worth it? I just know I want this. But I'm looking into what I really feel and I ask myself what really is it that we're fighting for. A long distance relationship? Well I love him. But it can't be this way forever. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na minsan tinititigan mo siya at napapaisip ka kung napapasaya mo ba talaga siya. Or simply, kung may patutunguhan ba ang pinaglalaban niyo. I like living in the moment, I just don't like being too far away. This makes me sad again. Kasi hindi ganon kadali ang iwan lahat-lahat at kalimutan siya, o humanap ng iba na magmamahal sa'yo o mamahalin mo ng kagaya nung sa kanya. Yes, he's too different from me. He's young and free, full of dreams and ambitions. And I want him to be happy. Even if I won't be a part of it. And I know he will be.

 

These are the things that made me sad today. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang ang hirap hirap namang sumaya. Sa kahit na anong anggulo ng buhay ko, pakiramdam ko kulang pa rin. Kung sana may isang kaibigang makikinig ngayon.. kaibigang makakaalala kahit na wala siyang kailangan sa'yo.. kung sana may isang kaibigang pwedeng umiyak kasama ko..

COMING HOME

This is almost like coming home.

I get out of the car, look up my own house and smile a big sigh of relief.

Where did I go? I missed this place! What have I done?

It’s been a while since I walked past the small corridors and confined spaces of what I call home. That nostalgic smell of a breezy summer afternoon; that old rusty chimes chiming in my old dusty bedroom. It’s all the same like everything was untouched. And it seems to me that nothing much has changed except the person in the mirror staring back at me from that antique wooden-closet.

I came back.

And it feels like coming home.

I’ve been all around the world of my renewed social life. I’ve found what I’ve been searching for. I’ve seen what I’ve been longing to see, felt what I’ve been longing to feel. I got more than I expected. I got poisoned and died, I got drunk and fried, I got caught in the middle of suicide. And after all of this, I’m still bound home.

I’ve been to Crazy Street and Wild Highway, met the hassle and the bustle of Bullshit City. I’ve had fun running around the fire and floating up the sky. I shattered cracks and smashed rocks. I got damaged, I got spoiled, I got more than what I expected. I sinned and cried, I laughed and then tried. But at the end of the day, I’m coming home.

“When my friends are gone, when the party’s over, we will still belong to each other.”

Random Thoughts IV: Inner World

There are so many ways to be happy. If I settle down with one, it's suicide. If the engine breaks down, I can always walk. At least I have two legs to be happy about.

You have so many friends and none of them walked the night with you. I have a few 'coz I don't settle for less. I've made so many to find nobody stay, the days gone by, the waters ran dry. There are so many types of friends anyway. Some who only want good times with you, some who appear once in a blue moon because they want to take advantage of you, some who want to get close so they can start using you, some who just want to flirt with you, some who you can have fun and nice chats with, some who will be there in your weakest, some who're willing to spend time with you unconditionally. Above all these we only want someone who's true. Someone who can tell me I'm a big piece of crap when I really am.

There are so many chances to be happy. Taking a grasp of the chance is a choice. If you made a bad choice, take another. Well it's always been easier said than done.

You want to be understood but you never explain. Life is not a big guessing game. The sail is not my command and my expectations will not always be met. If I want to mourn about not getting everything I want, I can mourn forever. It's a freaking choice. If I want to savage all beasts or indulge in guilty pleasures, who can stop me? People begun heaven and hell in their own ways a long time ago. They've made choices where to go, who to be with, how to live their lives and what makes them happiest. Not all the time chances knock on your door. They come in forms of deceit, of disguise, of foolishness. You have got to start undressing your own decisions.

There are so many reasons to be happy. If you deny this, what a pity. You deprive yourself of the chance because you blame the world for your fate. 

No one is going to make things easier for you, not because nobody cares, but because they're never hard. Well I spent a lot of time taking care of what I have and I was scared of losing them. What about me? Is there anybody out there scared of losing me? Reasons perish like dust in my hand. Yet I never stopped. And it is a choice not to. 'Coz I don't want to miss the chance. Every chance I can have to love and feel loved and be happy about it.

  

A Note Inside the Circle Φ

I found myself inside a huge circle. I didn’t really know how I got in there. I started to sweat with thoughts it might have been a trap. And I figured I needed to find a way to get out, somehow.

I was in deep sleep. I pictured those two huge walls that confronted me before. All decisions I’ve made come rushing back. And I figured I wasn’t really paying attention and now…

Now there is tension. Now there is fear. Now I am haunted by my own shadow. And I standstill surrounded by a loop of what could have been wrong.

I can’t run, I can’t hide. Somehow I know I can’t push it aside. I need to relax, need to breathe. Someway I know I need to get back to my feet.

The smoke clears and I awaken. Now I can see what’s here and beyond. I may have brought myself into this setup. And I figured I shall get me out of here before it’s too late.

It takes time. So much time I could lose forever. But if in between I will find my way back, I’ll buy forever. I look out for that’s what I can do for now. But I’ll make it through, slowly, I will.

It’s just me. I lay here alone watching the world outside this hoop. Others may have their own hoops, and I wonder if they feel the same way I do. And then there’s a note:

My poor thy self I pity. You took too much and forgot about everything. You gave too much you lost yourself. Leave some; leave some for me, my dear. You were allowed to go high but not to fall hard. You have missed and you are weakened. And here you are in the palm of his hands. Take rest and be prepared, savor the smell of heartache and pain, and soon you will arise safe and sound.

I shall do so. Keep my eyes open, keep my ears quick, and my mind awake. I shall be ready for the final call. I shall regain my strength to face the fall.

I wait here. I hope. I do not expect. I’ll work hard as I look out for thy self. I will not waste, I will not cry. I will wait for the rain and the sunshine.

The words echo in my head. But a guess isn’t always precise, and sometimes intuitions remain intuitions. And then there’s a note:

Let the bird’s wings find its way. Climb back the mountain but don’t jump off again. Be careful. Take the journey with all bliss. The length of the wait lies on your hands now. You can never break the bubble hoop around you with fierce. It is healed, my little old self; it is mended. It fades by itself and not by force. Be patient. Take time to embrace yourself in all harmony. Listen to the music and not the thunder. Through it all you may find the key that would set you free.