Today is a pretty sad day. I was taunted by doubts and fears and wonders and hate. Why? Why do I hate this part when I think and cry all by myself? People really never knew what you're going through unless they have been in your shoe. They will never understand because they never tried to look at the picture the way you did.
Una, tanong ni Ate bakit daw sa December pa ako aalis. Kasi Christmas daw.. kasi iba daw 'pag wala ako.. marami naman daw ibang araw.. Kailan? Kapag wala nang pagkakataon? Kapag nagunaw na ang mundo? Ang sabi ko, walang ibang panahon. Estudyante ang boyfriend ko at hindi madali ang mag-leave sa trabaho ko. Besides, dapat naman talaga ay December aalis ako at noon pa man ay alam nila yun. I'd love to spend Christmas and holidays with the family, but this one is going to be different at least for now. Ewan ko. Mahirap sigurong intindihin yun. I've been longing to spend quality time with the family, maybe go out, do something somewhere. But it never really happens. These dates I am going to spend time with my boyfriend are precious. Hindi naman kami palaging magkasama. At ito ay matagal na naming na-i-plano.
Masama bang ako naman ay magdesisyon para sa sarili ko? Masama bang ako naman ang sumaya? Buti sila kasi magkakasama na sila. Ako hindi, wala, mag-isa. Masama bang for once ay isipin naman nila ang kaligayahan ko? I've been here all my life. Nagreklamo ba ako nung iniwan ako ng Ate? Hindi naman ah. In fact I have learned that this is a reality of life. We will never be together always. Darating at darating ang panahon na mag-iibang daan din tayo. It's unfair. I can't just force myself to be here just because that's what they like. Paano naman ako? Paano na lang kung nag-asawa na ako? I don't understand why it's so easy for her to start talking me out on this. They probably never really tried to see me through.
I felt sad. I felt sad because it shows that she doesn't understand. Hindi niya alam kung paano mag-isa emotionally. Ang tagal ko nang malungkot, ang tagal ko nang nangangarap ng pagbabago, ang dami kong kinikimkim sa dibdib ko na hindi nila alam. And now, finally, I am making a decision that will make me happy. A new experience. Hindi ba pwedeng maging masaya na lang sila para sa akin? Tapos ngayon iiyak ako kasi pakiramdam ko mali ang desisyon ko para sa kanya.
So now I think about my boyfriend. Is he really worth it? I just know I want this. But I'm looking into what I really feel and I ask myself what really is it that we're fighting for. A long distance relationship? Well I love him. But it can't be this way forever. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na minsan tinititigan mo siya at napapaisip ka kung napapasaya mo ba talaga siya. Or simply, kung may patutunguhan ba ang pinaglalaban niyo. I like living in the moment, I just don't like being too far away. This makes me sad again. Kasi hindi ganon kadali ang iwan lahat-lahat at kalimutan siya, o humanap ng iba na magmamahal sa'yo o mamahalin mo ng kagaya nung sa kanya. Yes, he's too different from me. He's young and free, full of dreams and ambitions. And I want him to be happy. Even if I won't be a part of it. And I know he will be.
These are the things that made me sad today. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang ang hirap hirap namang sumaya. Sa kahit na anong anggulo ng buhay ko, pakiramdam ko kulang pa rin. Kung sana may isang kaibigang makikinig ngayon.. kaibigang makakaalala kahit na wala siyang kailangan sa'yo.. kung sana may isang kaibigang pwedeng umiyak kasama ko..
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