"Departure"

09.10.2012 

I’m stressed again. I don’t feel too well because of that. It’s amazing how the brain works to bring all of me to shut down. I’m in paranoia. I think about so many things too much. I’m aiming so badly for things to happen the way I imagine them to. But no. It looks like nature and fate itself is fighting back. I’m anxious to see what is going to happen and the more that I do the more that I expect. I feel so restless and uneasy. I don’t have the drive to do anything at all. I mean I try, but I seem to be out of control. I feel like I am not myself.

 

There are tears forming behind my eyes but I can’t cry them out. I don’t want to cry them out because it’s going to hurt. I have never felt so abandoned, like the entire world is forming a troop against me. It’s not supposed to be like this. But I feel so helpless I can only run away until they catch me and tear me apart. This is my mind’s work and I know I’ve got to fight it. But everything seems to be scattered along my way, they have been broken down into pieces. All I want to do is close my eyes and hope the nightmare is gone when I wake.

 

If only hate and anger never existed. If only frustration meant a positive word. If only there were reasons to be happy all around me. Even the rain says otherwise. At least the rain can express itself freely. I can’t. I can’t even spread my wings because I don’t have any. I don’t have the power to make things happen the way I want them to. I can only wait and see. I can only watch my own failure or success. I guess I set my expectations too high that it hurt when it bounced back. I guess I trusted people too much in pursuit of my own happiness. Maybe sometimes I need to be independent. Maybe sometimes I need to let go of the things that hurt. Maybe I need to love myself for being so imperfect. And just maybe, everything will be fine.

 

I wear a mascot to entertain everybody. I am an impostor in this dying place. And as much as I would like to run away, I fear the guards, I fear the pain. I fear the mouths and the bullets and I will need strength to keep me sane. At the moment I’m too weak to think more, like I just want to give up and let them do the rest. I just want to stop and breathe and lock myself safe in my bed. I’m sick and tired. I want to end this trip and just start anew. There is no use prolonging the agony. There is no use to all sacrifices. Reality is that things have changed and this place is no longer what it used to be. Evil reigns in this unjust, unhappy dynasty.

 

I can’t stay. I can’t pretend I’m happy here. I can’t keep moving and watching them inject me with all crappy thoughts. I always thought I could win all these. But I have limitations after all. Sometimes things have to get messy before you finally realize you need to change your mind. Sometimes some people do not realize your worth until you're gone. Sometimes, it takes one big risk before you get to where you truly belong. And I guess it's true that there is a time for departure even when there is no certain place to go.