Lazybone, what really is it?

I don't know what made me feel this way but I've been like this for some weeks now. It's like everything I do is for compliance, doesn't make any sense, and being alive just doesn't make it any happier. Broad: in a way that it involves work, home, relationships, and myself. It's like I need to sit down and talk to the lazybone inside me and figure out what really is it. I have so many plans but when I try to move a foot I always find myself stuck in the middle with empty hands. When I put my heart on something, come hell or high waters, but when it comes to my major plans in life I always end up with a huge question mark! Like up until now I still don't know what I want! I put a lot of thoughts on planning but I don't know how to start. And when I think about it I just wish I was floating in the air and watching the world from afar, never needing to worry about anything about myself.

I wanted to move away but I can't and it would be impractical to do so. I didn't want to stay either because home is becoming a crying cave for me. We're renovating the whole friggin place but ourselves. I wanted a different job but admittedly you can barely find a better one here in the city. And it could be that I just didn't want to go to Cebu to work. I told you, I need more courage to leave my comfort zone. Sucks that people around have high expectations on me. I'm trash, I'm nothing. Even if I tell myself otherwise, I'd be a friggin plastic. I mean c'mon, this is the only place I can be true to myself. I plan a traineeship out of the country though, and that I would need time and effort from myself. Looks like I'd be traveling to Cebu anyway - haha. This would eat up my concentration I guess, but I'm well driven for this. Let's see how it goes for me in time. I still would need to save up for it anyhow, and, finally a reason to come out of my present job. I think if I'm working on this I'd be more than willing to do the last 30 days with my job. Sounds like fun - enough to inspire me. :)

Love, love, love.. you're just as sweet as the word that you are. But somehow, reality overcomes fantasy. And looks like fairyland is becoming modernized. So love, don't deceive people by making them fall for you and the sweet word that you are. You make them think they're in love but they're only in love with you and the way you make them feel! Sometimes, we all must experience this and ask ourselves if it's really that special someone that we're in love with.. otherwise it's just the feeling of being in love. That friggin spark which started everything anyway. So what is this whole relationship thing for as well? Just like the rest, it's not making any sense to me. At least not in the moment. Why do we need to have someone? Why do we want to be with someone? Why do we risk ourselves with issues coming along with these relationships? Why do we punish ourselves with things that will eventually drain our eyes and break our hearts? And it would even do the same even when you're happy the most..

And now this is the part where you guys will tell me to chill.. because you think I'm unhappy. Well you're probably right. And that's probably one of the reasons why I just want to disappear from this place. I let them all use me and watch them crush my heart into pieces. I hate doing a good job in the wrong company with a pathetic management; and it tears me 'cause I can't do anything about it for now. I hate watching my dad fight back his tears and anger 'cause it scares me that he's so silent about it; and I hate my parents for not putting an end to this sh*t. I hate myself for not loving my own life and wishing I was never born to be me. I hate saying all these things and proving to myself how unlucky and miserable I am. I'm tired of encouraging myself 'cause truth is it never really worked. I'm tired of being trapped in my limitations. I wish it was that easy to throw a needle in that balloon. And I'm sick and tired of this cycle.

You see, what really is it that I'm here for? My life is a big joke. I really don't get why we all do what we do and why we have to live our lives! And I don't remember how I started thinking this way but all I know is it's driving me nuts. You might want to ask why I just can't live my life instead of complaining.. but I ain't complaining, I'm asking.. why do I let myself hurt me? Why can't I just live without asking too much? Why is it so hard to swallow the obvious fact that I'm under the thing called "depression"? Why do I need to pretend that I'm happy just so other people won't mock me? I am so jealous.. ..and it makes me want to cry everytime.

You know what? Worst is, why can't I make my own a better life instead of watching other peoples', with my shining green eyes?

Random Thoughts

And so I needed this. The only time I could actually write is when my mind is ready to face the reality of my thoughts. No matter how hard I try to escape, it always leads me back here.

Yea so the past couple of days we've been humming about this girl who never fails to ruin my day. A girl so insensitive. How can some people be like that? I need to find a make-up as thick as her face though, I could probably use that somewhen somewhere. Most importantly, I need to find a NICE way to let her know these things.."nice" in a sense that I'm not so good in being that (at least most of the times). I don't care what she does or who she wants to be as long as she doesn't get in the way. One more wrong move and I could choke her to death. I hate seeing her face and the smell of her in my room; I hate watching her eat like she's never eaten in years! I hate hearing complaints from my own family about her stupid stuff and she doesn't even realize that; I hate her being such a wanna-be when she's nothing but a big fat social climber!

That's me when I'm mad about something. Wait 'til I show you me when I'm being mean about it. But anyway, I don't need to write it on here, right? Not unless you wanna come on down and talk to me. I could tell you more. Haha - so, enough of the bitch, let's try another viand.. Also this week I poured enough energy to survive another week of work. I face the crowd like I'm superwoman, hehe, and if they could touch me they would know I'd fall down into pieces in just one prick. But this is my show so no matter what I must go on. Funny watching them jaws break in admiration - never wondered if I was as beautiful as what they think. If they knew, they probably wouldn't dare. Not me, the weird and a product of the imagination. I'm flying in the air and I ain't going anywhere. I don't think anyone would dare get me out of my comfort zone anyway. I don't know why I get 'em people scared..which makes me wonder if there'd ever be someone brave enough to break my walls.

What am I thinking? I'm thinking about trying something. Something I've never done before; something not very easy to do. Something to shape up my future, even if I don't see any point why I need to work on it. I'm trying to figure out what I wanna be doing aside from what I do right now. I wanna have.. a plan. A plan? Maybe. Yes. What's the plan? You'll know soon..

The Smell of a Dead Rotten Face

Hahahahahahahahahahah. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

I laugh at life for being ironic. What the hell are we humans living for?! I work, I play, I do stuff and earn, happy or not - what the hell is this all about anyway? Is this supposed to be a big joke?

I laugh about it but I'm not happy about it. I don't see the point why I'm here, living this life, for what? Do we even have to have a reason? So if I do these things or not, so what-?! I mean not that I'm having some troubles with my own..but everything I see and feel is becoming.. pointless.

Everywhere I go, I wonder; everywhere I look, there're lies. Everything I do, I think about how unreasonable it is. I wake up everyday and go to work, I earn and save, I come home, do facebook, eat, chill, sing - everything I do! I don't see the point. And when I sleep, before I try to close my eyes, I think.. "What's the purpose of studying, working, earning, yearning and living? Why do I sleep to wake up early for my responsibilities the next day? Why does life don't make any sense to me? Why is this world like this?" Life, money, education, love, people, all the stupid little things.. why??

Do I need divine intervention for this? Or..am i just in the emo mode? All I know though is that I've been here before. And this place sucks, seriously. The smell is awful. The smell of my dead rotten face.

FEAR - November 4, 2010

I’ve never felt so scared like this before…scared to wake up one day and be confronted by my limitations. And I think that day…is every day.

All of these are temporary; my mind, my body, my soul, my happy, my friends, my family…myself. And the challenge to live while I live seems to be a big task. It’s temporary, and yet why do I worry? Must there be something that I should be living by, or, living for? Every one lives their lives differently; some are doomed, some are lucky.

Looking in the eyes of every child is one thing that brings out the green-eyed monster in me. How can I be envious with such innocence? But only in them can I see true happiness, only in those eyes I see the real beauty of innocence, and only in that innocence can I see a life worth living. They laugh and cry without hesitations; love, play, go clumsy and dirty. Why is it that when you’ve grown up you want to be a child again? When you were younger, I’m sure you wanted to grow up fast. Ironic.

My fear is to wake up one day and be reminded of my limitations. And every day when I wake up to do my routine I face that fear. You see I get through a day besieged by these taunts but I never get over it. Every morning and the next it will be the same…it makes me sad. And I’ve never felt so scared about something. I wish I had hands like rubber so I could reach the heavens; I wish I had a steel-face so I don’t feel those tiny little stones thrown at me; I wish I had the power to stop the moment and allow myself to breathe, then decide when to snap everything back to action. I am tired of wearing this mask covering up my fugly face! You think if I take this off you’d still love me? If you see my dark dying color would you still want to stay friends with me? I can’t even look at myself to tell her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world. Well at least, she pretends to be. But I’m also tired of these tears telling me how I’m never going to win the so-called ‘life worth living’. I’m tired of crying over my weakness and boundaries; plus these uncontrollable tears are stinging my eyes…

I think I just never really loved myself. It probably appears that I do more than whatever, but the truth is: I have the biggest insecurities. So I have to tell myself I’m beautiful because I feel good about it; I have to believe that I’m smart so I can be appreciated; I have to be nice because I need to impress them all; and then, I have to be somebody else so they’d like me. I even have to lie to myself that I’m happy being me. I have to act like everything’s good when there’s actually a big mess backstage. Yes you’d never want to listen to me after this; I bet you’d never want to believe me even after I put myself down. And why am I suddenly throwing the crown?

Maybe because…I don’t want to keep waking up wasting my life with heavy eyes and a heavy heart; maybe because…I need to realize that life will never be perfect for anyone anyway; maybe because…there are people who are willing to love me even without the mask; maybe because…I just don’t deserve that crown. Maybe because…

End of the Line - September 21, 2010

If the world asked me to tell my story, I know I’d play it safe. It’s where I’m good at. If a friend asks me what happened, I’d probably tell him half of the story. I never succeeded when it comes to trusting anyone with my own pathetic self. If you’re to ask me if I’m happy, I know I’d honestly tell you I’m not. But I don’t think you can make me tell you why. This is the life that taught me one simple thought which I’m trying to prove wrong up until now: “Never trust anyone. Never trust the words you hear. Never let anyone in.” And I guess in some situations I’ve been, people could use it against you. So it remained to me that it would be much safer to keep it all in.

If the world asked me to dream, I think I’d smile to say “yes, you have no idea.” I’ve seen my dreams change while I grew up and I loved it. I kept hold of it for years. If you ask me about my biggest dream, I’d probably stop to think first, since every single dream I had is big. Now if a friend tells me to stop dreaming, he doesn’t need to do that. I’m already driving the wheel back home, back to me. I’m no longer dreaming of the green fields, no longer dreaming of his beautiful face; no longer wanting to touch the sky; no longer wishing upon a star. I’m no longer dreaming of smelling roses, no longer dreaming of the impossible.

I’m giving it up. The harder the grip, the more that it’s forcing its way out; the more you hold on to it, the deeper it hurts. I think living with nothing in my hands would give me the peace of mind that I’ve long needed. So I’m giving up the dream of a paradise; I’m giving up the dream I’ve been holding on too tight. I’m giving up because it’s not worth fighting for anymore; and if in time it comes back, it’ll be mine.

If the world asks me if I’m crying, I can tell them the truth. Yet the world wouldn’t be seeing me do so. I’m a dreamer, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Only that with the hope I was given, I’m giving it up. I’m letting go of the shining-and-shimmering; I’m letting go of a beautiful butterfly-filled garden; I’m letting go of my heart’s desire. I’ve been watching it come and go, watch it fade away and thought I was blind, but now it’s about time. It’s time to wake up; open my eyes and see that I don’t have wings, I don’t have super powers. And it’s time to look at the other side of the road, time to try a different pair of shoes, figure out if pistachio is as good as vanilla ice cream. It’s time to move on.

As long as I’m living the world can give me more. More than what my heart desires. I was too focused on that one star I didn’t notice all the others were just as beautiful. As long as I’m breathing the world can show me more. More than what I needed. I too have a lot to give if I go out there and prove it. Why did I stay in this corner watching my star slowly fade? So now I’m moving on. Another dream, another hope. I’ve come to the end of the line and will give this dream a kiss goodbye. “Thank you for keeping me, but I gotta go. I’ll find myself a place to park and I can do it myself. You’ll see in time, I will. ‘Til we meet again.”

Obscure - September 7-10, 2010

So they say the world is round although it doesn’t appear to be; and that life is as precious as a gem stone. So as we humans grow we open those hands to discover the root to different curiosities; and the minds gain freedom to choose what to believe and where to settle in. But no, it doesn’t stop there. The picture shows different explanations and conclusions - science or general psychology - the human mind has probably the strongest power to think, analyze, and search even the deepest depths for answers and problems to answer. This is quite an impressive study, but where did it all start? It’s not just about life stories where theorists and researchers find interest in; not to mention they try different approaches to understanding human behavior and experience. It’s much weirder to discover that psychologists used to view life as “little” different from fairytales.

Science can maybe explain why the world appears to be round in the outer space; and they can even provide us with different views and insights, facts and details. Any way you try to look at the picture, it will never stop presenting you new wonders which one will eventually try to dig into. Every day, every minute, maybe even every second – science can give you more – that is if you are willing to entertain confusion, and if you’re too curious with life.

Life is more precious than gem stones. At least for me; life can give you diamonds or pearls but definitely not the other way around. Religiously speaking, life has a purpose – to some: is to share the word of God and his teachings. This is simply being taught in a normal Christian Catholic school; to others: it’s for you to find out. Understand that the mind works in freedom to where it wishes to remain. Basically, it’s letting yourself fly to where you want to. There may be a lot of studies and theories in the modern world of people today or since then, but so powerful the mind is that it gets to decide in its own free will. You believe what you want to believe, think what you want to think, or say what you feel like saying. Only that, it works with the consequences around it, to most of us: there is always a need for consideration (things, people, maybe situations?). The mind can take control.

Funny how broad this discussion will be if we look into it detail by detail. The mind can think too much, or, think too little; and this writing is definitely for those who are at the edge of curiosity, but unwilling to dig down for the roots to lick the tip of it.