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 They creep in slowly,

      In the deepest, darkest sleep

 They will own you
         ‘til you are spellbound;
 They mislead you
             In your longest, weakest time
 They can consume you
                Then they take you ‘til your down;
 It’s my own shadow, it’s me,
      It’s evil residing in my own body
 It moves me, controls me
         And it eats me up inside;
 I’m spinning all around
              It goes on and on without stop
 I see nothing but ugly
                So I run and hide ‘til I fall out;
 They will kill your soul,
      Thoughts paralyzed, spirits damaged
 They will change you
         And use you then they leave you;
 They whisper things you don’t want to hear
              Like noise echoing overnight
 They are chemicals and poltergeist
                A nightmare, a waste of time
 I feel the fire burning,

      I hear my own voice screaming

 I feel those fingers crawl in

        Then I don’t feel my heart beating;

 I’ve been disturbed, forsaken
              If I succumb, if I lost sanity
 I am murdered by my own hands
                This beast implanted by uncertainty.

"Departure"

09.10.2012 

I’m stressed again. I don’t feel too well because of that. It’s amazing how the brain works to bring all of me to shut down. I’m in paranoia. I think about so many things too much. I’m aiming so badly for things to happen the way I imagine them to. But no. It looks like nature and fate itself is fighting back. I’m anxious to see what is going to happen and the more that I do the more that I expect. I feel so restless and uneasy. I don’t have the drive to do anything at all. I mean I try, but I seem to be out of control. I feel like I am not myself.

 

There are tears forming behind my eyes but I can’t cry them out. I don’t want to cry them out because it’s going to hurt. I have never felt so abandoned, like the entire world is forming a troop against me. It’s not supposed to be like this. But I feel so helpless I can only run away until they catch me and tear me apart. This is my mind’s work and I know I’ve got to fight it. But everything seems to be scattered along my way, they have been broken down into pieces. All I want to do is close my eyes and hope the nightmare is gone when I wake.

 

If only hate and anger never existed. If only frustration meant a positive word. If only there were reasons to be happy all around me. Even the rain says otherwise. At least the rain can express itself freely. I can’t. I can’t even spread my wings because I don’t have any. I don’t have the power to make things happen the way I want them to. I can only wait and see. I can only watch my own failure or success. I guess I set my expectations too high that it hurt when it bounced back. I guess I trusted people too much in pursuit of my own happiness. Maybe sometimes I need to be independent. Maybe sometimes I need to let go of the things that hurt. Maybe I need to love myself for being so imperfect. And just maybe, everything will be fine.

 

I wear a mascot to entertain everybody. I am an impostor in this dying place. And as much as I would like to run away, I fear the guards, I fear the pain. I fear the mouths and the bullets and I will need strength to keep me sane. At the moment I’m too weak to think more, like I just want to give up and let them do the rest. I just want to stop and breathe and lock myself safe in my bed. I’m sick and tired. I want to end this trip and just start anew. There is no use prolonging the agony. There is no use to all sacrifices. Reality is that things have changed and this place is no longer what it used to be. Evil reigns in this unjust, unhappy dynasty.

 

I can’t stay. I can’t pretend I’m happy here. I can’t keep moving and watching them inject me with all crappy thoughts. I always thought I could win all these. But I have limitations after all. Sometimes things have to get messy before you finally realize you need to change your mind. Sometimes some people do not realize your worth until you're gone. Sometimes, it takes one big risk before you get to where you truly belong. And I guess it's true that there is a time for departure even when there is no certain place to go.

.. simple heartaches ...

Today is a pretty sad day. I was taunted by doubts and fears and wonders and hate. Why? Why do I hate this part when I think and cry all by myself? People really never knew what you're going through unless they have been in your shoe. They will never understand because they never tried to look at the picture the way you did.

 

Una, tanong ni Ate bakit daw sa December pa ako aalis. Kasi Christmas daw.. kasi iba daw 'pag wala ako.. marami naman daw ibang araw.. Kailan? Kapag wala nang pagkakataon? Kapag nagunaw na ang mundo? Ang sabi ko, walang ibang panahon. Estudyante ang boyfriend ko at hindi madali ang mag-leave sa trabaho ko. Besides, dapat naman talaga ay December aalis ako at noon pa man ay alam nila yun. I'd love to spend Christmas and holidays with the family, but this one is going to be different at least for now. Ewan ko. Mahirap sigurong intindihin yun. I've been longing to spend quality time with the family, maybe go out, do something somewhere. But it never really happens. These dates I am going to spend time with my boyfriend are precious. Hindi naman kami palaging magkasama. At ito ay matagal na naming na-i-plano.

 

Masama bang ako naman ay magdesisyon para sa sarili ko? Masama bang ako naman ang sumaya? Buti sila kasi magkakasama na sila. Ako hindi, wala, mag-isa. Masama bang for once ay isipin naman nila ang kaligayahan ko? I've been here all my life. Nagreklamo ba ako nung iniwan ako ng Ate? Hindi naman ah. In fact I have learned that this is a reality of life. We will never be together always. Darating at darating ang panahon na mag-iibang daan din tayo. It's unfair. I can't just force myself to be here just because that's what they like. Paano naman ako? Paano na lang kung nag-asawa na ako? I don't understand why it's so easy for her to start talking me out on this. They probably never really tried to see me through.

 

I felt sad. I felt sad because it shows that she doesn't understand. Hindi niya alam kung paano mag-isa emotionally. Ang tagal ko nang malungkot, ang tagal ko nang nangangarap ng pagbabago, ang dami kong kinikimkim sa dibdib ko na hindi nila alam. And now, finally, I am making a decision that will make me happy. A new experience. Hindi ba pwedeng maging masaya na lang sila para sa akin? Tapos ngayon iiyak ako kasi pakiramdam ko mali ang desisyon ko para sa kanya.

 

So now I think about my boyfriend. Is he really worth it? I just know I want this. But I'm looking into what I really feel and I ask myself what really is it that we're fighting for. A long distance relationship? Well I love him. But it can't be this way forever. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na minsan tinititigan mo siya at napapaisip ka kung napapasaya mo ba talaga siya. Or simply, kung may patutunguhan ba ang pinaglalaban niyo. I like living in the moment, I just don't like being too far away. This makes me sad again. Kasi hindi ganon kadali ang iwan lahat-lahat at kalimutan siya, o humanap ng iba na magmamahal sa'yo o mamahalin mo ng kagaya nung sa kanya. Yes, he's too different from me. He's young and free, full of dreams and ambitions. And I want him to be happy. Even if I won't be a part of it. And I know he will be.

 

These are the things that made me sad today. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang ang hirap hirap namang sumaya. Sa kahit na anong anggulo ng buhay ko, pakiramdam ko kulang pa rin. Kung sana may isang kaibigang makikinig ngayon.. kaibigang makakaalala kahit na wala siyang kailangan sa'yo.. kung sana may isang kaibigang pwedeng umiyak kasama ko..