My name is Leslie. I need help. Oh well I can’t seem to get my fingers to start typing my problem. Today is the 18th. I started this journal on the 8th. Am I making sense?
Well, like I said, I badly need help. I’m in a battle; a fight for emotional survival. And what makes it really terrible is that I battle with myself. It’s like even if I want the best things around, they fall down to the ground like a handful of sand. It’s like when I try to do the right thing, it turns out to be the other way around. Everywhere I put myself into, everyone I talk to, I make them feel bad, I mess up things! I think there’s a need to remove that bad apple in the tray to keep the others safe. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and yet I end up doing so; and it gets me really scared that I might just end up hurting myself instead.
There’s this huge wave of emotions going on inside of me. I feel it. Anger: it flows down through my veins making me want to scream in rage…I feel so weak battling against this like it controls me; like if I don’t fight it I could hurt myself, or punch other people. You know that feeling that you just want to hit your chest over and over again to make it stop…just make it stop. Self-pity: even if I know I am not the victim and no loved one would probably want to hurt me, I still feel like I’m a victim of myself; like if there’s someone to be blamed for all my sorrows – that’s me. I don’t tend to hate other people for doing me wrong, it makes me hate myself for being me. Love: The only thing that keeps me moving, I guess. I care for my family, but the feeling that I don’t want to make things worse makes me want to get away. I know I need them, but sometimes I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to hear any more words of how I’ve become the bad sheep that I am. For 24 years, I’ve always been the bitch – so who cares anymore, right? I don’t need another slap in my face, I just don’t need this. I just need people who will choose to understand and accept me. I need people who will listen and not judge. I need someone who would come to me and see me through; not watch how I pull that trigger in my head or throw that fork in your mouth. Sadness: Yea everyone probably have this feeling somewhere in their systems. It’s right there sometimes overflowing, sometimes it’s covered by small visits of joy. I know I’m not the only one who experiences depression every now and then; loneliness like there’s never going to be that someone who will understand you; like the world is on your shoulders. This feeling comes to me often because I’m in this battlefield alone, helpless, I ain’t got no weapons; and worst is, I can’t even run away. No I can never run away from myself.
Isolation: What I tend to do. I feel the crazy need to just run away and be invisible; just keep myself from all these people. And it’s not even their fault, they don’t even know what I’m going through; neither do I want to give any explanation. I know it’s wrong, it’s just so wrong. Like I want to get away from things in my life and expect these things or these people to leave me alone – and that’s just not…possible! I can’t expect things to work the way I want it to, nor demand for it to happen the way I imagined it to. I can’t stay in this phase I don’t want it here anymore. I’ve been here all my life I don’t think I can handle more. Fear: I don’t even know who I am anymore; every time I meet acquaintances my mind runs like “oh well you don’t want to know me.” It’s like I don’t want ‘em to come inside otherwise they won’t like what they’d see. And it scares me when someone finally gets in…scared they’d be leaving at the end of the day. I feel that need to escape before I end up losing it. I try to play it safe so the pain won’t show in case the worst things happen. And I guess they’re right when they call me the ‘mysterious bitch’. All these years I’ve been in the battlefield fighting my inner demons; and all along I’d always think I finished them, but they never stopped coming to haunt me. They never left, never gone.
If you’re reading this, well, it’s free. But I don’t have much time. I’ve gotta win this fight; but – do I really need to?
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