POP! the Balloon goes..

This is it. This is the final moment. The end. It's time.

I don't wanna suffer anymore. I'll take my heart out and rip it apart. I am no longer taking all those feelings. I am not going to let anyone of you hurt me, again! So save your last cent.

Me will say goodbye to people who used me, people who faked me, people who let me down. Me will say goodbye to sorrows and problems of other people. Why would I stress myself saving other people's lives when I can't even save my own? Me is breaking apart already, then I go sewing other people's clothes! And they won't even appreciate that, worst is they don't even learn when you keep sewing for them.

So 'til here. I packed my bags and I'm ready to leave. This is the last glance you'll ever have of me in this pathetic little story. I can't play the game no more you know, it's a children's game. I need to move on, need to grow up. I may have the child spirit in me but this is overboard. We need to turn the page and read on.

You know, I can play naive if I want to. I can pretend I'm not mad, pretend I ain't hurting; I can pretend I'm okay! We absolutely can fake anything, right? From basic things to feelings. I can play innocent when I'm guilty, I can be the victim when I'm the villain; I can play insensitive if I'd want to. I think everybody can do all these, though.

Right now I just can't consume any more emotions rising. It's driving me nuts! I'm sick and tired of listening to other people's crap! I need to listen to my own and try to fix it first. I feel like I'm drowning trying to save another human being in a sinking ship. But of course - saving my own would be too difficult when you don't know how to swim! Haha. Just for the laughs.

I'm quite glad I've helped people in my own way; but sometimes it's just too much. And I gotta help myself too. So this is enough for me. The last chance to save a soul. Then I'm going back home to me..'cause even when I don't feel like I belong to me, I do. This makes me who I am. No matter how much I hate myself for being me, this is me, the real one, no pretentions..just the crazy and weird, emotional little bitch me. Take it or leave it.

Secrets&Lies

Do you believe in the saying: “Secrets hurt, Lies kill”?

Either way, they both suck as much as the other. Every single human being probably have one or two (even more) lies hidden in their closet. Small lies, big lies, half lie, serious lies, white lie, ‘black’ lie (if it ever exists) – they’re all the same! But why do we lie? Is it because of insecurities? Or cowardliness? To make other people happy? To keep them from getting hurt?

So a person doesn’t want to lie. Okay. He tries to maintain a clean image of not being known the liar, the cheater, the bad, the villain. He keeps his mouth shut. He hides those pretty little details under his pajamas so no one can see. Relief. The person is safe. Or is he?

“What you don’t know won’t hurt you”, isn’t it? If an info is given in details, things can happen, thoughts will run, issues may rise – uh-oh. So what’s the safest resolution? Half-truths. Yerr… sometimes the truth can lie as well… It’s a given truth, yea, leaving out the important information. Deception; it creates a false impression. And that is not lying? I doubt that. To me, at least, they don’t make any difference.

Go ahead and deny you haven’t lied and/nor kept any dark secrets! We are all victims of this beautiful devil smiling at the back of our heads and controlling our minds! Dumb or smart, clever and wise, pretty or ugly, crazy or not – we are all guided by these deceptions stalking every thought or decision we make. Next, it all falls down to - you. No blaming the devil. You have the divine animal right and control of yourself and your actions. You are always given the choice: the first option is truthfulness and openness, second option is to play it safe and avoid discussions, third option is denial. Funny how the last two options are kind of the same.

What happens if secrets are eventually revealed? When dark secrets are discovered? What happens when lies are too lame and obvious? When lies start to invade the world? What happens when secrets and lies become the reasons for broken relationships? Well they are, mostly. That’s exactly why people keep themselves from telling the truth because it scares them that it might end the relationship, or likely, they want to protect themselves from any blame. So, how do you fix that? Forgiveness? Oh what a really nice word.

Yet why do we get attracted to playing safe with everything? You only become objective when you reach your wit’s end, you only come spitting it out when the gravity of the situation becomes worse. Secrets and lies… well the thing is, it’s a part of life. It’s already there, ready and waiting for you. And no matter how much that idea sucks nothing can change that. Why can’t we all just stop lying?! Why can’t we just be true to ourselves and to other people? Why is it so hard not to keep secrets? You think if you hide those important information you can avoid arguments and negative thoughts? You think little nonsense don’t matter? You think it’d be better if she finds out later, or if she discovers from somebody else? Why is it too difficult to be honest??

You think secrets will keep you safe? You think lies won’t kill you later? Well think harder. You may be falling in to your own trap when the show is over. Whatever you do, unless you’re naïve, it’s gonna hurt. So you might wanna consider a U-turn before it’s gone too late.

Beware of Me

My name is Leslie. I need help. Oh well I can’t seem to get my fingers to start typing my problem. Today is the 18^th. I started this journal on the 8^th. Am I making sense?

Well, like I said, I badly need help. I’m in a battle; a fight for emotional survival. And what makes it really terrible is that I battle with myself. It’s like even if I want the best things around, they fall down to the ground like a handful of sand. It’s like when I try to do the right thing, it turns out to be the other way around. Everywhere I put myself into, everyone I talk to, I make them feel bad, I mess up things! I think there’s a need to remove that bad apple in the tray to keep the others safe. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and yet I end up doing so; and it gets me really scared that I might just end up hurting myself instead.

There’s this huge wave of emotions going on inside of me. I feel it. Anger: it flows down through my veins making me want to scream in rage…I feel so weak battling against this like it controls me; like if I don’t fight it I could hurt myself, or punch other people. You know that feeling that you just want to hit your chest over and over again to make it stop…just make it stop. Self-pity: even if I know I am not the victim and no loved one would probably want to hurt me, I still feel like I’m a victim of myself; like if there’s someone to be blamed for all my sorrows – that’s me. I don’t tend to hate other people for doing me wrong, it makes me hate myself for being me. Love: The only thing that keeps me moving, I guess. I care for my family, but the feeling that I don’t want to make things worse makes me want to get away. I know I need them, but sometimes I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to hear any more words of how I’ve become the bad sheep that I am. For 24 years, I’ve always been the bitch – so who cares anymore, right? I don’t need another slap in my face, I just don’t need this. I just need people who will choose to understand and accept me. I need people who will listen and not judge. I need someone who would come to me and see me through; not watch how I pull that trigger in my head or throw that fork in your mouth. Sadness: Yea everyone probably have this feeling somewhere in their systems. It’s right there sometimes overflowing, sometimes it’s covered by small visits of joy. I know I’m not the only one who experiences depression every now and then; loneliness like there’s never going to be that someone who will understand you; like the world is on your shoulders. This feeling comes to me often because I’m in this battlefield alone, helpless, I ain’t got no weapons; and worst is, I can’t even run away. No I can never run away from myself.

Isolation: What I tend to do. I feel the crazy need to just run away and be invisible; just keep myself from all these people. And it’s not even their fault, they don’t even know what I’m going through; neither do I want to give any explanation. I know it’s wrong, it’s just so wrong. Like I want to get away from things in my life and expect these things or these people to leave me alone – and that’s just not…possible! I can’t expect things to work the way I want it to, nor demand for it to happen the way I imagined it to. I can’t stay in this phase I don’t want it here anymore. I’ve been here all my life I don’t think I can handle more. Fear: I don’t even know who I am anymore; every time I meet acquaintances my mind runs like “oh well you don’t want to know me.” It’s like I don’t want ‘em to come inside otherwise they won’t like what they’d see. And it scares me when someone finally gets in…scared they’d be leaving at the end of the day. I feel that need to escape before I end up losing it. I try to play it safe so the pain won’t show in case the worst things happen. And I guess they’re right when they call me the ‘mysterious bitch’. All these years I’ve been in the battlefield fighting my inner demons; and all along I’d always think I finished them, but they never stopped coming to haunt me. They never left, never gone.

If you’re reading this, well, it’s free. But I don’t have much time. I’ve gotta win this fight; but – do I really need to?