Warnung

So I decided to take things slow. I couldn’t push it too far because I had to make sure I don’t go off my limits. I had to make sure my arms could still reach the tips of the goal.

But going too slow is kind of critical. I feel like I’m walking on a thin line and I could either make it or fall out.

To make it, I will need hundreds more sacks of patience, a great deal of perseverance to stay and a whole lot of love to keep holding on.

Falling out would mean losing into the state of mind where I’m currently at. If this means I could fall out anytime, I need to move and do it faster.

I don’t want to lose. I have given myself for this fight and I am worth the effort to win.

…Even if it means checking me in to rehab for stubbornness.

If I take things slow, I’ll have more space to breathe. If I take things slow, I’ll have more time to color the prairies.

But doing so means more queues, and the hearts become a part of it.

Forget the haste but the bittersweet taste is a thin line to either I make it or I fall out.

To make it, swarm me with serenity; throw me to the pool of passion and supply me with intimacy three times daily.

Falling out would mean losing the battle of survival. And this means I could fall out anytime, so I need to move and do it sooner.

Nobody wants to lose. Nobody wants to be lonely. We are all fighting for survival.

…Even if it means living the life far from what you dreamed of.

Contemplation

Different kinds of people…

I’m just in the thinking mood to look deep enough into personality differences. People indeed have their own minds and we all differ in so many ways.

Am I the only one who takes 10 minutes of her time to even ponder about these things?

I’ve always been convinced that no two persons are alike. Not even identical twins.

There are people who just don’t seem to care about anything but themselves, their own, what’s good for them and their loved ones. You can see it in their eyes. You can feel it. When you talk to them and they give you that “I care” look but everything else is just so shallow. You will know when they just listen by ear or if they do listen by heart. You can tell it.

There are just people you can’t seem to make any connection to. Sometimes you find yourself in the same page with them, but sometimes there are just things they seem to have no idea about. To you they may be illiterate, but I think it’s a part of the so-called difference. They may know some facts you don’t. Would you call yourself ignorant then?

Some people find contentment in one corner, while there are others who push to explore for more. Some believe in the impossible, others don’t want to waste their time.  We all have different views and limitations, different goals and plans, different wants and needs, cries and routines, joys and favorites. We all have different thinking capabilities and personalities, different physical features, different fears and frustrations, skills and talents, styles and ideas.

On top of that, there’s the good, the bad, and the safe-players. How do you know which character you are?

Well this has really got into my curiosity. If you seem to have troubles identifying yourself, it could be serious problem. If you always go with the majority, it’s lack of character.

In this earth, there are smart people. Then there are the smarter ones. And they would say there’s the smartest. How do you know he’s the smartest among all? Same thing goes with all other things. And in my mind right now they are rumbled.

Some people pretend to be what they’re not to be accepted. This makes me wonder how we humans measure who is worth accepting or not in the society. There is but a small number of minds that are open enough to understand that this is a world of different kinds of people. That you may have to put yourself in another’s shoe before you can judge. And that sometimes you may have to be able to view the other side of the story to discover beyond what you already know.

With all the differences we find ourselves in conflict with others. There are minds that will close to disliking, but there are minds that will insist to discovering new figures that might even change their own curious little self. It is common that there are people who we simply just don’t like, regardless of what he or she has done or if he or she has even done something hateful. You simply just don’t click. I think that it doesn’t always mean you are different. It could also be that you are actually alike, and this fact alone had caused a spark.

Well we are not only talking about personalities, there is the difference in languages we speak, traditions and cultures, races and lifestyles, and means for survival in the tough walk of life. One must require the desire to understand where each of us is coming from; the passion to learn different things which will come naturally in the hearts of the kind. One must be willing to accept harsh judgments as part of the great deal.

Well maybe it has to be like it is to keep it all balanced. Maybe I should contemplate next on how I would deal with these differences myself…

Getting to Know Me

Getting to know me is probably one of the weirdest times one could ever have in their life. Besides the fact that I’m unpredictable, everybody tells me I’m mysterious. Some say I’m a psycho, others say I’m a brat. Well, this is basically how people perceive me to be and I respect that. I don’t even give a damn if they call me a bitch or if they shower me with angelic metaphors. If that’s how they see me, as honestly as possible, that’s fine.

Here’s more stuff about me.

I’m ambitious, but I’m lazy. Yes, it’s weird like that. I dream big things and I like imagining them.

It’s not that I hate planning, but I’m scared of planning and failing through the risks. But I’m a fighter, especially for my loved ones.

I’m a go-getter; I don’t give up just like that. But like you, I’m weak-hearted.

I search for love; I seek understanding, I long to be accepted. I’m sensitive and emotional. I look at your words and your actions carefully. But I’m open-minded.

I love memories. To me it’s mixed feelings to look back at the old times. I’m often visited by nostalgia and sometimes I hate that. But sometimes I find a way to get joy in sadness.

I’m a cry baby. There are times I cry out of nowhere. I cry in my silence. I cry in my solidarity.

I’m secretive. It’s something I can’t fight. I store a lot of reservations. I find it hard to trust people completely. But if a person earns it, I tend to give it all, even if sometimes shit bounces back to me. And like glass, if my trust is broken, everything is shattered and nothing ever stays the same.

I like dream interpretations. Well that sounds pretty crappy, but I like knowing spontaneously how the world defines a specific subject in my dream. I like knowing whether or not it relates to me.

Like my father, I’m a bit of an observant. I can be talkative, but I don’t like public speaking. I prefer to watch and look around rather than be the center of attention.

I like performing and being on stage, but, it’s not all the time that I want audiences. Sometimes I just wanna be there and be alone.

I was previously known as the quiet girl. But eventually my interpersonal skill was honed. I like to socialize, but I try to feel people. Oftentimes it takes more than just one meeting for me to feel comfortable with someone.

I don’t like it when things don’t go my way or as planned. I never wanted to believe in luck nor in destiny. But somehow, even when things come shitty for me, I manage to walk my way out of it. The only bad thing is, I barely learn from it.

I’m stubborn. I just am.

But I can be a sweetheart. I like to snuggle, I like to smell and kiss.  I look into the eyes of a lover with deep meaning.

When I’m angry, I’m a hungry tiger. When I’m frustrated or offended, I’m silent. I’ll hold it in as long as I can. But trust me, it hurts so awfully bad.

I don’t like tactless people. I don’t like people who are narrow-minded. I don’t like social climbers. I can’t be with them for more than 30 minutes so I’m off. I have a hard time trying to stand situations like that.

I’m a thinker. I like to think a lot. Now I’m not sure if this comes from too many emotions I tend to keep inside of me, or if I’m just a safe player. As much as possible, I’d think before I speak. I’d think about something before I do it. But believe it or not, I can be just as impulsive when provoked.

My temper is an enemy. Sometimes I hate myself for the obscure mood swings. But come to think of it, during these bad times I can actually see who stays after I puke crap in front of their faces. I’m not proud of my temper, I actually struggle controlling it. And yes, most of the time I win, but then again I feel so bloated I wanna explode!

I like songwriters. To me they are sweethearts. They are able to create the best of words to describe the indescribable.

Back in my younger years I was the shy type of girl. Growing up I got to expand my social circle. Quite frankly, I grew up with all the shining shimmering attention from my home to the outside world. It’s not that I don’t like it, and I ain’t bragging about it too. It’s just that, I realized that among all those who tail around you, only a few of them are actually true. So it’s like I don’t care much, and I’ve sort of grown aloof.

I won’t say I’m numb. There are just times I become indifferent. These are times when you bump your head and come to your senses that you’re driving over the wrong side of the road; times when you wake up and think to yourself why you’re stressing up chasing over things that don’t wanna be chased.

 I never appreciated politics. I just have nothing to say. It could be that I know nothing about it at all. In my country, all you’d ever see or hear about is dirt. And sometimes no matter how curious I am I just turn my back from it.

I like simple things. I don’t like wearing too much jewelry. I don’t like spending too much for a huge party that’s gonna last for only 8 to 12 hours in a day. I’m barely a shopaholic. When I do I could get carried away. But when I spend my money it must be something I really want, something I really need, something I really love. I don’t like wearing too much make-up. So during special occasions to free myself from disappointment, I do it my way.

I don’t like money talks. I never considered myself the expert when it comes to budget management. But I ain’t rich either. I didn’t come from a rich family. Like other families, every now and then there can be struggles with finances.

I’m not a good leader. In college they used to say I have that leadership skill. Well, that’s just probably because they placed me there so I had to do something. I am authoritative; however, I tend to be weakened when I’m criticized. Although I view it constructively, I’m a support-needy. My motivation is usually appreciation. Some people have bigger expectations from you; they are able to see potentials that you don’t see in yourself. I prefer to be pushed that hard, but then again I’m still questioning if this is the field I wanna be at.

When I think about being a leader or a manager, I don’t really see myself in it. I think that’s one of the reasons why I took the Master program. It can be a way to find out if I really wanna be in that line. I’m not sure if I can be a good boss. They tell me I’m a big fit, but I’m pretty sure they’re only picturing me with the corporate/business attire and that’s how they say I have it. I always thought I wasn’t ready to be promoted; one - I’m not fully equipped, two – bigger responsibilities are kind of threatening to me, three – I totally lack confidence in myself. You see I know the first two things were summarized by the latter and they’re huge crap thoughts. I don’t understand why I’m always running away. I guess I’m just a big loser.

I’m not demanding. If I ever do, I badly need it.

I like little stories. I like talking to people who likes to explain what they mean. I can be attentive to details. I could die if this isn’t satisfied. I’m a slight OC. And I’m a big curious cat.

I have a thing for sweet nothings. I buy those in a snap. Just a little endearment and the ice go melting. Yes, they make me happy. But the sad fact is I could tell when it’s too good to be true. You can get me believing, but I don’t take too much icing in my cake.

I don’t hate liars. But I very much hate being lied to. Secrets can go by, but lies won’t. They make me feel stupid. Secrets matter to me if it has something to do with me. I don’t like being fooled.  I mean I know nobody who likes to be fooled around anyway.

I totally hate cheaters. It doesn’t matter why they do it or how. They come in different ways like “I was drunk” “you were always gone” “I got carried away” “she kissed me first”; and to me, there’ll never be any acceptable excuse for cheating.

Yes I don’t like players. Players are feelers. They are douchebags; simple as that.

I’m a little picky. I choose the special ones. It’s funny that I want the best but I always end up settling for the good and simple ones. I guess it’s true that at the end of the day what matters most is what makes you feel comfortable.

I don’t like being an option. I wanna be treated with respect. I’m sick of being the dice.

I hate not getting answers to my questions. When I ask and I’m ignored, I feel upset. To me, it means two things: one – you never listened nor paid attention, two – you refuse to answer. And both are just terrible.

I'm a little scared of coffins. I don't know why 'cause I'm not scared of the so-called ghosts and blah. As if I've seen them eh. But I just hate the picture of a coffin. That's it. I don't like the thought of dead people in it, I guess.

It’s pretty obvious that I like to write. I like to write my thoughts out. When I write, it has to come from an inspiration. It’s either a feel-good way or a frustration. I write mostly from feelings and hardly from pure nothings. Writing, for me, is an outlet; a better way to express myself; an easier way to free kept emotions. I am writing this out of something, for sure. And that will no longer be a part of this four-paged output.

Buhay at Kamatayan

Life is precious.

It’s way too fragile than any expensive vase; it’s worth way more than any diamonds or pearls.

I don’t know where “life is unfair” came from, for nobody really knows why your life is worse or better than the others; or, why they’re lucky and you’re not. Now is the time you can choose between luck or destiny. Two of the things I still question ‘til now.

I don’t know where “life is full of shit” came from either, when it’s not always like that. Life is full of so many things. And when a human being dislikes some of those, he blames it to life; when his surroundings satisfy what he wants, he thinks life is good.

Life is viewed in so many different ways. It may literally be defined as being or existence; but the point of life is experienced by you. Its beauty and ugliness depends on how you make it to be. Life resides within you. Nobody can actually tell you why you are here, it’s a mystery. No one can live the life you have for you, you own it. If there are godly powers present behind this, to me, it remains a mystery; a question only me can answer.

The purpose of life, the reason for being lies in your own hands. What is it about for you? So many philosophers and geniuses have identified what life should be about. Our teachers and mentors had taught us right and wrong. Preachers told us the holy purpose. Well what do you believe in?

My life, for me, is an opportunity. An opportunity to see, to hear, to taste, to think, to feel… My joy and misery reminds me that I’m alive. The very reason why I wouldn’t complain why I go through bad times. It’s simply because I feel, and I am no exception. I have a God and my God resides in my heart and in my mind. I have stopped going to church and listening to gospels, but my faith I have kept inside of me. A hope that somewhere maybe in the heavens, someone’s watching over me.

Death is inescapable.

We don’t always appreciate it, we barely even think about it. Like life, nobody really knows where it’s coming from, what happens after it, or how it works and feels when a person dies. And like life, its beauty and ugliness depends on our own perception.

They say we’re all heading there, but nobody knew when. You can take away your own life, but you cannot bring back a lost life like repairing a broken toy or modifying an impaired system. Death is a powerful end, a permanent closing of a chapter, a one-way street heading to the unknown.

I’m not scared of dying. But it doesn’t mean I’m ready to face death myself. My sensitive personality leads me to hate life sometimes, but never did it occur to me to end my life by purpose just so I can get rid of my own sorrows. To me, there’s so much more to see and appreciate in this life; there’s so much to discover and experience. I may not be able to touch them all, but I still want to live. Like I said, life is precious. It’s an opportunity. Only death can take it away from me.

Death is everywhere.

It has no permanent home. It has no special treatment, no favoritism. It can eat you up too slow or beat you in a snap. You can't run from it nor hide from it; and most of all, you can't stop it from coming. 

I've had thrills in my life  but never reached the extent of almost losing it. Never been to the brink of death either. But to me, we come to realize how life can be so short when you come close to it. I felt sad, I felt hopeless; at that time I felt like I would do anything, trade anything, make promises and tears; cling to my faith and appreciate the love I get. And I knew I was anxious. I wasn't ready to play dead.

Death, just the thought of it gives me the creeps; and the suspense will consume your brain in curiosity, in cluelessness, in fear. Then again, only if you entertain the thoughts. Death, however, will have its power over me if it involves the life of my loved ones, the people dear to me, people I've lived to be with; that, more than likely is how death can hurt me. Losing a loved one...nothing is as painful as that.

However, dying or losing ones life has never stopped us from doing the risky. Human as we are, we even crave for the extreme and strive to go beyond the limits. It may be true, that savoring the little tasty bits of your life can make death worthwhile.

   

I Am Challenge

It’s true.

When you’re too nice to people, they take advantage of you.

They take you for granted.

It’s true like that.

When you smile to them, they’d assume you’re okay.

They believe what they see.

And if you keep letting them win, they grow abusive.

If you draw a line in between, you don’t just keep them off,

you keep yourself behind your own bars too.

If you go along with what they want, you spoil them.

In this pretty little game you gotta play challenge.

Everybody wants to win anyway, and beating them all is no guarantee.

So if nature forces you to join in, play by fist.

When you give a little mystery, they’re curious..

When you refuse, they are challenged!

When you stand up, they’re tamed.

And in your silence, you have earned their respect.

September

There he goes, that man. That man with the rope to tie around her. She watched him come, watched him go, she watched him from a distance he made life his own.

There goes that song...that song he brings along. She hears it, she fears it. Why, it's an old song, to break the wall from the past.

Her silence was bunged and her doors were slammed open. But he comes in with fragrance and flowers, a deceiving smile and a manly walk. Her guards were up instantly and she called for winds' warning.

His words has begun thundering, like the same old music to her in September. He reminds her of the beginning, the shells she's kept in her old wooden chest, the pain when the glass broke in her hands..

There is that man who missed his luck, he slips in, slips through, he tries to make his way back. He appears in her beautiful garden, gently pulling her hands towards him. Those sweet words she wished were there before, when his heart was all she needs..

Those blue-gray eyes were powerful as evil. And he sprinkles the dust of poisonous perplexity. She battles the smell of his hair, she battles the flashes of time; and amidst all her battles she was holding on to one thing...she was holding on to her love.

The ray of light shines through. He moves too fast like he always do. Pure shallow, pure deceit. This time she'll never let him off her feet. As long as she's strong, as long as she's willed; the love in her hands she will protect.

"Don't take me back there in September. I am not the one for you, anymore. This place has been emptied, the same day I broke the ice. See me strongly clasping on the staircase, I have come out of the last illusion, I had my final taste of innocence;

I don't want to go back to that September, it's enough for me to remember.. I've come to pass and I'm not scared. The ghost of a man I used to care."

Letter 64

Dear <Name>,

I know exactly how you feel right now. Not because I’ve been there, but because it simply shows. I truly understand it’s never easy to try to pretend you’re insensitive, but I hope in your life you come to realize that you are not a princess. You don’t have the crown to rule a nation, nor the power to make everyone bow their heads before you. I think this is the perfect time to tell you though, if you really are a beautiful swan, you don’t have to display yourself in the pond because beauty itself will capture the eyes of the beholder. Pardon me, I know it’s very much okay to dream, but you know it this isn’t fairytale or one hell of a movie. Everybody needs attention, everybody needs love; I admit I would want that spotlight on me sometimes, but I’m impressed, nothing compares to your need for that. It’s almost like I’m watching a 7-year-old child with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) running around in an adult’s body. And it worries me.

It worries me because everyone else thinks the same thing about you. And that is a revelation, you know. Try as I might not to judge you for being you, we all have differences and we can’t please everyone; but the least you can do to save yourself is keep your big mouth shut and give the world peace. You know, sometimes in life we’ve gotta learn to accept and embrace the fact that we’re not made to be the prettiest of them all. The problem is, when you refuse to be aware of those deadly insecurities you keep down deep inside your lonely, dissatisfied heart. Let it go. Otherwise you suffer hiding yourself inside the closet. You think you’re just being true to yourself; but being so means you completely understand you’re one imperfect human being, you’re not always right, not always cool, not always nice, not always good. So let your pride go and get real.

I watched you, I stood beside you, I blinded myself with your charming arrogance. You see, I never noticed you were too good to be true. And I never even cared even if I feel used by you. And right now I feel so freaking glad I woke up from deception. I think time itself has come to advise me that I should walk away; not because I hate you, but because I need my space. I need my own thinking, ‘cause I deserve to be me. And I definitely don’t wanna be you. I’ve learned quite a lot of things from you and I’d thank you for that; it’s not like you’re so evil and all that. I just hope you rest from being bossy, rest your mouth from too much blah blah blah’s, rest your heart from being bitter. Remember that like everyone else, you don’t have a perfect life, nor did you come from a perfect family; and as hard as it is to swallow the truth, we don’t always get what we want. We don’t always get the best of everything. This is what you need to learn to digest into your system. Now I’ve made this move and I’m bound to stick with it.

In case you haven’t noticed, you talk too much like there’s no tomorrow; and it’s not every time that we’d like to hear you and your humongous mouth trying to make an impression. Everybody thinks you’re just as good as a fragrant promise, but face it, you’ve never really experienced everything in life. You’ve never had it all nor lost it all; so stop talking people out how they should be living their lives because you’re not them. And even if you’ve been in a similar situation doesn’t mean you’ve been in their shoes. There will always be that difference. And we may be listening to your words but it’s not like we’re gonna do as you say. Try to picture that – you talk like you know it all; you act like you’re an expert only to prove that you’re actually an empty can; you strike on others as if you have a beautiful life, a beautiful marriage, but all these are actually proofs that you’re unhappy.

 

It’s never too late ‘til everybody turns their backs on you. You don’t have the strings to pull them on whichever way you want like their puppets or something. Start to think about anything else but yourself. Try to be more open to life’s harsh realities and know that in this world there are other lives and stories but yourself and to others you’re just a part of it like they are in yours. There’s more to this world than money or wealth, there are even greater joy than getting the best of everything; if you didn’t get what you want, you’d sure get something and in that little something you have the power to make it bigger and happier like it was what you’ve always wanted. You just have to try and learn to give importance to other good things than keep aiming for what’s always better than others’. Stop comparing, this is not a competition.

Random Thoughts II

In life, there are things we don't like to hear; but sometimes those words are actually what we needed the most. There are people and personalities we get annoyed with; but most of the time those are our carbon copies. There are facts we avoid but you know they're truth we ought to reveal. There are stuff we say we don't wanna see, but we do otherwise. Sometimes, we are tempted to do what we WANT to do even if it isn't the RIGHT thing to do. Sometimes we're just too weak to ignore what other people say about us but still we say the words I don’t care. Sometimes we play deaf and mute because we're angry. Some people find it hard to forget someone they never really had; but then it's even harder to let go of someone who was once yours. Some people think they've aced it when they're with a hot, drop-dead-gorgeous boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people just can't fight for what they have and feel embarrassed when they do. Pathetic, right? There are things in this life we find hard to get over with. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to face the bullies. And the number one bully in your life is yourself. You think you’re so tough now huh. You always thought about being the invincible that you are and that nobody can get you down, nobody’s gonna make you fall into your knees and bow down; You always thought about being the social that you are and that everybody else looks up to you, and that nobody’s ever gonna find a way into your closet unless you want them to. You always thought about making the best impression outside you forgot about how you really feel inside. You always thought about GETTING more you neglected what’s right there in front of you. You’re too scared to lose potential people you lost the most special one to you instead. You think it’s always good to be proud of yourself you forgot to be humble. You thought she was an ugly witch only to find out you were never actually looking at her. You think you know so much about love you can’t even spell it. This is a general message for a general subject. If we can just let go of all the negative energies and detoxify ourselves from hatred and anger; if we can only beat the struggles of envy and selfishness; if only it was that easy to take everyone out of the shallow water, we will all see how beautiful it is down under. But then again, good things are never achieved that easily. Human as we are, we will always want what makes our lives easier; but you know for a fact every second, every minute of every day that passes there are sacrifices done for all our changing needs. Take a look at how ironic things that people do are, you want a better wage/rate you can’t even welcome new and tougher responsibilities, so you complain how you’re not compensated well; you spend all your life searching and wanting the best and the right partner you haven’t even thought about how to be one, so you think everyone is the ‘wrong’ person; you got the car you’ve been dreaming about yesterday and tomorrow you’re wishing for a limo or a private plane. Think about how tasty these thoughts are for you at first you crossed oceans and climbed mountains for ‘em then think about how fast you get sick of them you wanna spit ‘em out and find replacements. And think about how all your riches will help you when you’re having a heart attack alone in your $100-million-mansion. And this just in: talking about $100 million, imagine how many sick and hungry children could live and study and run around happily. Ah, here I'd go again. Well.. just thoughts.. 

S2S

You, I used to look up to

You, I used to think I was okay with just me and

You, you were the only one I had

We did so many things together and

We exchanged millions of kinds of thoughts in the

summer when

We fought you were ‘the goody’ I was ‘the bad’

So I don’t wanna know how we slipped away

I don’t wanna go back to the day

Nothing’s gonna change, nothing’s gonna help

And I don’t wanna talk about it today

You, I used to be so close to

You, you put up with my zig and my zag and

You, you taught me things I never knew

We went through the good times together and

We sang over thousands of lines and tears in the

winter and

We were moms and babies, monsters and beauties

But I don’t wanna know how we disappeared

Yet I don’t wanna turn back from the day

‘Tho nothing’s gonna change, nothing’s gonna help

I just wanna let you know today

I, I wanna see through you if you see me through

I, I wanna break the walls that broke us two but

I, I feel so weak before I speak so pick,

pick me up like you used to

I don’t wanna know how we slipped away

Today I just wanna meet you halfway

Yea nothing’s gonna change, nothing’s gonna help

But hey, we could be better than yesterday


Yea we could be better than yesterday. -.-

Four Stories and One Evening~

Mother? It’s late. Wa-what are you doing here? she thought as she tried to open those lips to talk. Why can’t I move a single part of my body?! she began to wonder as she forced herself to lift a hand up and reach out to her mom.

She failed.

She can’t even open her eyes.

This is strange, she thought, I can see you at my door, mother, but I can’t get myself up off bed.. Urrgghh! she complained.

Her mom reached out with a little worry in her eyes. Hold me, she said to her daughter, just move your hand honey…come on.

Finally, she was able to lift that hand and move her lips. She moaned. She slowly opened those tired eyes to see the dark room and saw the door half open.

Mother? But-…

Her mom wasn’t there. She looked again, no, the door isn’t open at all.

Oh…what was that?

It was a dream. But to her, it felt real.

The next thing she knows she is with a friend waiting for her guy so they could go to this party. Her friend stood beside her in the shade talking about things she could barely understand.

There he is! her friend shouted, come on let’s go!

She stopped to think, wait- that’s not my boyfriend, or, is he? But that’s…  my ex.

He walked down to them dressed up formally for the party. Where are the others? He asked.

She went to him feeling awkward to do anything. He’s my boyfriend, alright, she thought, so I should be a girlfriend to him. She linked her hand into his arms but he moved away slowly, almost unnoticeably.

They’re not coming anymore, her friend answered.

What! That’s crazy. That’s not cool, he answered back, whatever…let’s just go. He went ahead and walked fast.

She walked along with her friend and looked at her own outfit. White shirt, cargo pants. Am I really going to a party? she asked herself. They went on. It was a scorching hot afternoon and they walked through dessert-like stones and small cliff-like structures. What is this place? She thought. And where the hell is that party??

Minutes after, they could no longer see him. He was walking way too fast, she said. So where do we go? Are we there yet?

I can hear noise and some singing inside, her friend said, I think they may be in there.

There was a huge red gate in one of the huge stones near a cliff. So how do we go in? It’s closed, she talked back as she move around searching for the entrance.

There must be some way to the entrance, her friend said again, check out from that side! Her friend pointed out to one direction, right side from the gate.

She made her way and saw nothing but old wood stuff, some plant, and more stones. What kind of party is this? She began thinking again, so weird. Suddenly, a cute little white Labrador came behind her. Oops, she thought, where’d the dog come from now…

They ignored him, but he stayed along like he was one of them. Okay, she thought again, nothing to be scared of.

Let’s just go home, she told her friend, I’m tired and sleepy. Besides, I don’t think they want us in there.

Her friend agreed.

Some good night sleep. She went to her bed and pulled on the bed covers. Half asleep, that white Labrador jumped in the bed and went under the covers so he can sleep too. Oh my God, she thought as she started to worry, why is that dog here? Why is he sleeping in my bed!

Black out.

She woke up in the middle of the night and felt something else. No, it’s ‘someone’ else. Not the dog! Where’d the dog go this time? she wondered, and who is this?!

She got up and pulled the covers to find her guy underneath. She smiled, that’s him…! my boyfriend, not some other man… He looked tired. She pulled him closer so he can sleep better. Why didn’t you tell me you’re already here? she thought as she watched him sleep. She put her arms around his shoulders, embraced him from the back. I missed you, she whispered, now you’re here…

He woke when she was asleep and found himself wrapped around her arms. He kissed her.

….. … .. .

It was morning when she rouse up from a different bed. It was a lodging house couple of blocks from her home. First thing she noticed was the door wide open and she could see children running and playing outside. A family lived in the next room. She knew them.

But--? she wondered, they separated years ago…

And now they seem to be happy and so full of energy.  She sat there in the bed with a blank face, looking outside her door and wondering. Are they back together?

And what am I doing here anyway?? I shouldn’t be here. Why would I get a space here when my house is just two blocks away?

The children’s father came out from next door to get the kids. He went back in goofing around with them as the mother called. That family…

She was left there alone questioning what happened in the last 24 hours, and looking back on those odd things. She might just come to wake up again and discover that all these were just episodes of one big elusive dream.