Six months had passed. It’s
a cold and gloomy day in February and Anton sat alone in the café staring
across the street. He was in deep thoughts when he unexpectedly put a grin on his
face as he remembered something. Dawn
is always either too late or too early. When he wants to catch up, she’s
a little hesitant and moves the meeting every now and then for so many reasons.
When she wants to catch up, she would send him letters, mails and texts
endlessly until he’s finally annoyed
enough to sit down and listen.
Finally, she made it. He helped her
take off her coat and pulled her chair out to help her in. “Are you okay?”
he asked. She stared at him questioningly and moved her brows up and down. “I’m
fine, don’t worry”, she answered, “but there is nothing to be excited
about”, she smiled.
“Of course”, Anton said with
a smirk. “Nothing’s new, just like your being late”.
The next forty-five minutes is
filled with stories and laughter. Dawn enjoys chatting about good memories and
he is always there to read her out. It was a free afternoon and they both
enjoyed good lunch, good coffee, and good talk. “You always have the good
timing”, she told him, “like you know when to follow up and check...”
She leaned back and looked away with a smile on her face. “This seat is as
hot as my coffee.”
“Cut the crap”, Anton
tittered, “you know exactly why we’re here.”
“And I don’t need you to tell me
everything again. I’d like you to tell me how you’ve been. I want to know how
you really feel. I want to see you through.”
She scratched her head a bit as her
face turned blank. “What do you want to do?” Anton asked. “Look,
I know you’ve been avoiding these thoughts because of so many things.
But just be honest to yourself. What do you want?”
“Don’t psych me out, Anton”,
she replied. “I’m already troubled with emotional stress and you know that.”
She leaned forward and looked at him straight. “I can’t make plans. I’m a
coward.”
“You know what I want?” he
said. “I want to settle down. And most of all, I want to end your worries
and anxieties. This is what I want. I just want you to be truly happy.” He
looked at her with sad eyes. “It’s been unfair. It’s been really ironic. I’m
not telling you to let go of what you have right now. I just want you to
realize that it’s about time. It’s time to utilize them.”
“You know very well that I’ve
thought about that.” Dawn said. “It’s not easy, and I’m scared, and I’m—“
“Not the same excuses, Dawn.”
Anton interrupted. “Stop waiting and start doing. Aren’t you sick and tired
of that?” He touched her hand and sighed. “I am.”
She looked at him uneasily. Anton
knows everything about her. He knows every single thought forming inside her
head. She can’t lie nor keep a secret from him. And all the subjects she tries
to swerve away from, he knows why.
“Look at you.” Anton said to
her. “You actually think you’re happy.” He touched her face and lowered
down his voice. “I know you’re not completely happy.” Dawn looked down
and didn’t know what to say.
“You know it deep inside you.
You think you live your life because you are temporarily enjoying a drink or
two. You think you’ve made it because you have a job that supports you. You think
happiness is when you smile in front of these people and pretend you’re content
when you’re not.”
“These are the little joys I
have,” she uttered. “I don’t see anything fake in that.”
“I know what you mean”, she
added. “And I know you don’t need to ask how I feel. I’m not ready in any
way. And even if I enumerated everything I want to happen it’s going to be
useless. I just want to stay where I am right now and live from there. You know
what’s making me sad? It’s when you force me to think of a future that doesn’t
even exist.”
“You want this future”,
Anton replied.
“But it’s not possible.”
“Then change it.”
Dawn moved back and stared at him in
slight curiosity. “You can’t just say that”, she started again. “You
know you’re asking me to give up stuff for what, an uncertain place to go?
Anton…”
“I am asking you to give up the
uncertainties and aim a clearer goal line”, Anton said as he leaned
forward. “This is for us. Our lives aren’t fairytales and dreams, Dawn. For
once, think about yourself and how you want the future to be.”
She held her espresso cup close to
her lip to take a sip but put it back down. Anton held her hand and smiled. “Now
don’t worry. Talks like this make us really think so hard. I just feel like,
you have this fear and confusion. I feel like you disappoint yourself a lot and
look at it as a failure. I want to stop your frustrations and make you choose a
different path. It’s not going to be easy as I say it, but I know I make sense.”
Dawn smiled. She’s never
comfortable when discussions about her life become serious. She knew
conversations with Anton will always lead to same little arguments so she tried
to end it the same way she would. “Let me go with the flow”, she said to
him. “Anton, let’s just let things happen. We can make plans and dream
dreams but you can see what’s in front of me. It’s a tiny little street with
question-marked signboards. I’m always faced with questions, always faced with
insecurities and unless I find solutions to that I’ll never make it to the big
city.”
“I knew you were going to give
me one of these”, Anton grinned. “I knew it.” He was quiet for five
seconds before he said, “you’re not searching for answers, so when do you
expect to get them? One day you see them crawling towards you? From here you
make it to the big city because you’ll drive.” From then he got a little
motivated to go further. “If you don’t have the car you’ll take the bus.
Take the train. Maybe even take the plane. There are so many ways if you just
want it. So look into it and I’ll be there with you. Let’s make that change
now. Please.”
Dawn looked at him with teary eyes.
She giggled. “Give me more time”, she said before she took a deep
breath. “I know it can’t stay like this for the rest of time, but, I need to
figure out so many things. I feel like…I also need to figure myself out.”
She bit her lower lip and thought deeply. “We can talk as many metaphors as
we like or not. We can read each other as much as we want. We can do that. But I’m
left with no choice. I’ll take it slow.”
Anton sighed. His aim was to hear
her finally give him a different answer. But it’s not happening now. It looks
like Dawn is experiencing a lot of issues that need to be resolved before she
can move forward.
“I want to understand you, and I
do, Dawn” he started. “But it’s been like this for so long now. And I
can no longer take it in sometimes. I can give you what you want. But do me favor
and think about this real hard. Do not be deceived by the many things you can grab
at the moment. When you miss them out, it doesn’t mean you lost. Put your head
up straight and look farther ahead. What is that thing you want to enjoy in the
end? Work on it. Remember when we were kids… you imagined so many things, you
longed to achieve this and have that. And now we’re still standing here, Dawn.
This isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s like time has left us.” Anton
placed his hands together and waited for Dawn to say something.
“Alright”, she said slowly.
“You never really get tired of giving me the same speech.”
Anton smiled. “That’s my role”,
he answered. “And I’ll do it a million times today if I have to just to make
you realize.” Dawn smiled at him.
“This is why I’m glad you’re
there. I know you want to kill me for being pigheaded but at the back of your
head you’d still want to guard me. Stop worrying, Anton.” She stood up and
moved next to him. “I can handle myself. I promise you I will not let anything
or anybody hurt us. Let’s just—let’s look at the brighter side of things. I’m
pretty messed up and you want to fix me, and I like that. But there are so many
little reasons to be happy, right? Why the hell should we not take them and
just work our asses out for what’s on the other side of the road? I know you’re
worried about me and what’s ahead, but I’ll take full responsibility. Come hell
or high waters.”
Anton turned to her and raised a
brow. “And cry to me when you flunk? Where do you go when it hurts too much?
To me. And it’s going to beat me up inside again?”
Dawn chuckled. “Come on. You’re a
gambler. You’re just as clumsy as I am sometimes. You know what? I may be weak,
but I can be fierce. I just need to align myself with the right determination
and everything will be clear enough for both our naked eyes.” She tapped
him on the shoulder and smiled as she leaned her head on it.
“I really hope that happens
soon.” Anton said. “I’m excited to see how we will be. Till then, you’re going to have to take
care of yourself.”
“Don’t ever let anybody hurt you”, he added. “Don’t live your life for other people. Live your life for yourself.”
He leaned his head on hers. “Never ever
forget that.”
